I'm not sure how to start this post, how to get my thoughts together, how to put into words what I'm thinking.
I guess what I can say is that 266 pounds is my wall. Losing weight is like an obstacle course for me. I start out strong, jogging, hopping through tires, crawling under ropes in the mud. All of this stuff is a challenge, of course, but they are easy enough. I start to lose weight and feel great about my progress. But then I see it looming ahead, the wall. The one I have to climb up and get over. And that's where I give up and back track. Only, I don't back track through the obstacles I went through already, I back track by taking the easy way out and completely giving up. So here I am. I'm at 267 pounds and I just dragged myself through the mud, and now I'm looking at that wall, 266 pounds, looming ahead. And it's laughing at me. It knows that like countless times before, I'm going to give up before really trying. And I just do not want to give up anymore. I want to take on that wall, give it my all, climb up it, go over it, and move on and never look back. I need to progress but I just don't know how to get past this. I'm not sure of the issue surrounding that number. Why can't I get passed it? The only thing I know how to do at this point is eat, try to stuff the old feelings of failure and hate for myself deep, deep down. I've had a lot of ice cream today, grabbing a handful of this and a few pieces of that. This behavior is the starting point of me giving up and turning my back on this yet again. The only thing is that I don't WANT to give up. I don't want to stay at this weight. I NEED to get over this, to go through the rest of this obtacle course that is weight loss. I know that the finish line isn't too far after the wall. At that finish line? Great health, better well being, high self esteem, ample energy, and maybe a kid or 10.
I've been knowing that this weight stall has something to do with my mom. This is the only weight I remember her being. So how does this tie into MY weight? Well, I've always, ALWAYS been heavy. When I became a teenager, I could never find cute clothes, gorgeous ball gowns for dances, nice khaki pants or button up the front white collared shirts. My mom was always trying to make me wear some of the things that were hers. When I couldn't find a cute shirt for a wedding we were attending, she tried to make me to wear something of hers. When I was going to my very first formal school dance with the guy I had a huge crush on and couldn't find a dress in my size, she tried to talk me into wearing this disgusting, outdated dress that she had. That dress, ugh. She's tried to make me wear that dress SO many times. When I was a teen, I was probably 245 pounds, 21 pounds LESS than she was. I knew that her clothes would be much too big on me. But she, and this is what has always upset me, SHE couldn't see that. She made me feel SO fat. I'm not sure if it was a conscience thing on her part or not, but she did this to me. And I think that's why I'm stuck here. She expected me to be this weight, this is what she's always seen me as. And here I am. At her old weight. The worst part? The worst part is that I could probably wear that hideous dress she tried to push upon me so many times, and it would freaking fit. That stupid fucking dress would fit.
It's like I've fulfilled that prophecy that my mom had. But you know what? I'm not doing that anymore. I'm making my own prophecy now. In it, I see a fit and healthy and happy me.
So, maybe now that I've typed through this, I can somehow find peace. Maybe now, I can stop the mindless eating, the self sabotage, maybe I can move past this now. I am not my mom. I am not the 266 pound teenager that she must have seen. I am a happily married, positive, beautiful adult. I do not let the scale dictate who I am. I am strong enough both mentally AND physically to reach my health goals. I'm going to get over that wall this week. I WILL.
I totally feel you. I'm having a wall with 235, and i know most of it is mental. Why? I really haven't been able to analyse it as well as you. I guess i've hovered around 235 for many many years and been comfortable, so going below is going to cause me to do something radically different to do that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to us both!
x
lesley
For me it was polyester granny pants that I was wearing when I was young. 235 is my wall..I haven't seen that in 20 years... Know that you are not alone...Keep going.. you can do it!!
ReplyDeleteI have been counting calories and exercising and losing but I stopped losing during the holidays. I feel 205 is my wall and will I ever reach my goal?? I am giving myself til' May and if not where I want to be I am going to try Weight Watchers. You can do this!!
ReplyDeletePerhaps it would be best for you to not focus on the number for a while. Instead focus on healthy choices (the scale will follow along). For instance, choose to make breakfast a healthy meal. Just breakfast. Then add lunch. Then snacks. Then dinner.
ReplyDeleteAdd 10 minutes exercise each day this week. Then next week makes it 15 minutes. Walking, gym equipment, whatever. Small changes will yield big results.
This has to be a lifestyle change for you...not a quick fix. SO start making those changes one step at a time if that works best for you. Eat plenty of protein because it will help fill you up.
Like scrambled eggs, a piece of fruit and some oatmeal for breakfast. Eat a mid morning snack. Eat healthy foods that have ingredient lists you can read.
You can do it but you have to be committed to change for life. Obesity kills. You don't want diabetes or heart problems. It will catch up with you. Do something today (step away from the ice cream) to bless your body. You're the only one who can make that change. This isn't about your mom, it's about you now. Your choices.
Love you. I've been reading your blog a long time. I want you to succeed so badly. And I know you can do it.
Just remember that the wall in front of you is something you put up. You have total control over what your next step will be. Will you take the easy way out or will you dig deep and keep moving forward. It is all up to you.
ReplyDeleteI have been dealing with a lot of inward issues lately. The best thing I do for myself is write about it and usually at the end I feel better.
There is no wall ahead of me. There are just tiny bumps in the road. I fight and fight and I keep moving forward.
Keep moving forward. Don't let your wall defeat you.
I seriously hit a wall at 240. Had to get my head back in the game and rethink some things. My workout plan, my eating etc... its slowly starting to come off again... Good luck to you!! I'll be following.
ReplyDeleteRObin
http://www.1girlgettinfit.blogspot.com
I agree with Kelly. Try to focus on being healthy and don't worry about that number so much- it's about so much more than a number. Focus on losing weight to become healthier and feel better about youself. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need to change the label. Turn your perception into the opposite way. Imagine if you had reached 300 or more. Imagine you've already lost some, even if you haven't. Just enough to give you that momentum to think 'fuck yeah!! and run with it, never looking back for a second. I don't know, there's no 'one size fits all' solution as everyone's journey is very different. Although there are similarities of course.
ReplyDeleteI have the very same wall, but it doesn't exist in numbers. More a feeling that screams out 'am I really here again'?
Yeah like everyone said. Dont think of the number. Keep eating well and working out. You'll win it this time :)
ReplyDeleteoh m geeee
ReplyDeleteI can so feel you on the parent trying to get you to wear things or buying the wrong size. I was a 12-14 and my mom kept buying me 18's WTF! LOL
Hang in there! I know you can do this. I just realized in reading this post that we're at the exact same weight right now. WE can do this! :)
ReplyDelete@MelGetsFit
Could it be that your Mom, rather than thinking you were fatter than you were, didn't realize that she wasn't fatter than she was? Or that the difference in clothing sizes was significant enough? I know that I have folded thinner roommates' clothes and marveled at the size of them - how could a human body really fit in there? Sometimes we just can't tell.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. For me it's not a specific weight...it's more about the amount of weight I've lost. I've never made it past 30 pounds. I associate more with that number than the actual weight...but it's the same thing! You will do it! We both will!
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