The Opposite of Thin

A Follow Up

2012-01-18T17:09:00.002-05:00

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their kind comments of understanding at my frustration yesterday. To the original commenter that sparked this post and my last, I apologize if you feel as though I attacked or was hostile toward you, but allow me to explain this further...

When I read comments with questions such as "are you concerned about your babies inheriting your bad traits" or "would you consider gastric bypass," I get frustrated because I feel as though my readers aren't fully grasping what I'm saying. I have stated my worry about the first issue (time and time again) and my firm stance against the second (once or twice in my older, deleted posts). I think it just took me by surprise that someone would still have questions like that after all these years, especially a returning reader. It was not frustration at the questions, but more like frustration with myself and my ability to convey a message properly. I probably should have mentioned that in the last post. As I said last night, I was not writing with intention to hurt you or make you feel attacked, but I just wanted to make sure that I addressed both subjects fully to the best of my ability instead of ignoring them. I felt very strongly about the subjects, so I just wanted to put them in the spotlight here.

I am incredibly sensitive, and I take things the wrong way often. I misinterpret and allow my mind to go into overdrive. The same thing happened in this instance. I felt... judged? I'm really not sure if that's the word I'm looking for, but it's close enough. It made me feel as though my writing was subpar and that I could not convey the messages I wanted to efficiently with words. I went on the defensive. I am not a person making a career out of blogging. I'm just here hoping my words will be heard and that I can inspire others the way that they inspire me. I am still just dipping my toe into the blogging waters even though I've been here for three years, and I still don't know how to handle these situations. I'm learning how to speak my mind and not push it all down with food. It's just something I never learned. I guess I went from someone who hides her feelings to the exact opposite, someone who speaks without thinking. What can I say? I'm a work in progress.

I value all of my readers and all of the comments left here on a daily basis. Blogging has become such a big part of my life, a passion of mine. My readers have become my friends, and I'm so lucky to be able to share my life and struggles with others battling the same demons. It makes the journey that much easier. I never mean to attack or belittle someone with questions or even an opposing idea (though that is not what happened in this case). So again, CS, I would like to say I'm sorry. Next time, I will allow myself time to REFLECT and THINK about what is said rather than furiously type and post within minutes of reading without considering a commenters intent and feelings. Your questions were not hostile or rude, and I didn't mean to lump you in with those people.

Thank you all for reading. I really do appreciate it.

Q&A is still open.

Comments That Get to You

2012-01-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty lucky so far in my blogging career that I haven't had too many comments that have rubbed me the wrong way. I knew that it was a very real possibility that I could have some negative feedback to any of my posts. The major trend on the Internet seems to be that faceless commenters would rather knock others down and make fun of them than support them. I've had all supporters so far. I couldn't be happier with the wonderful, supportive friends I've made all over the globe here. Thank you all SO much!

What I have gotten every so often, though, is a comment from an anonymous poster who clearly has not read my blog. Or if they have, they did not really GET what I was saying. They offer advice or ask questions that I've addressed a lot. Those types of comments really get to me. Tonight, as I was readying a post in my notepad, I sign on to my dashboard and saw that there was a comment needing to be moderated. This is what I read:

"Do you ever wonder if when you get pregnant you'll pass your unhealthy eating habits onto your child? Also I think I remember you mentioned your mom had gastric bypass or lapband surgery? Is that something you've ever considered doing?"

Now, I'm really not trying to be rude to this poster or come off as mean, but are you serious? I've addressed these issues many, many times. I'm not going to go back and link to all of those posts, so instead, I'll address these already answered questions here.

Question #1
Do you ever wonder if when you get pregnant you'll pass your unhealthy eating habits onto your child?

Yes! As I've mentioned pretty much in every single post addressing pregnancy on my blog, I worry constantly about my unhealthy eating habits and obesity being passed on to my children and how they will affect them. That is the biggest reason I'm here. That's why I embarked on this journey in the first place. I want this cycle of obesity and unhealthy relationships with food to end with me. I want to give my children the healthiest view on what food is and is not. I am slowly learning about nutrition and about the things that I was never taught when I was a kid. I'm learning about correct portions sizes and how to eat. I'm losing weight and eating healthy because I've read in quite a few health articles that by eating healthy foods with no refined sugar or carbs that you can TURN OFF the obesity gene in your children. How amazing is that?! I am doing everything in my power to ensure that my children NEVER have to go through what I am right now. They will never have to lean on food as an emotional crutch, they will learn what I'm learning now, and that's the most precious gift I can give to my sweet future children.

Question #2
I remember you mentioned your mom had gastric bypass or lapband surgery? Is that something you've ever considered doing?

Absolutely, positively NOT. I'm losing weight slowly, on my own, by following good health guidelines laid out to me by my doctor. I'm eating REAL food and exercising and losing weight myself. I can do this on my own. My mother and I are very, very different. She felt as though gastric bypass surgery was right for her. She was about 100 pounds heavier than me at my heaviest when she had the surgery. I know that if I had not changed my ways of eating, I would have ended up at her weight or heavier. But that is not the case, and I will never consider such a major surgery unless it is life and death. Aside from not wanting to because I am losing weight healthily on my own, I see the results and the side effects from the surgery on my mom and they are terrible. I'm not going to go into detail here because they are not my issues to tell, but they are things I would never want to deal with. Ever. These surgeries might be right for some, but for me, it's not even an option.

So, commenter, I hope that answered your questions. I apologize if I seem angry or agitated, but these are issues I cover quite frequently here and the first question, especially, is something that I am absolutely passionate about. I write about it so much.

Because there are so many new people following and reading my blog (Welcome, everyone!!), I will take this as an opportunity to open up a Q&A session. Ask me about my journey, my diabetes, my husband, whatever. I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have, even if they are ones I've covered before! I await your questions :)

What I'm doing

2012-01-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

Between December 6, 2011 and January 6, 2012, I lost eight pounds, which is more than half of the weight I lost the entire year. I lost twelve pounds in 2011. Pathetic? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I've been messing around with losing weight, wanting to lose the weight, dreaming of a skinny body, but never wanting to put forth the effort for years. And years. And years. My twelve pound loss for the year of 2011 isn't pathetic, though, because it is a loss, and those are pounds that will never be allowed to come back onto my body. I'm serious about my health and I'm definitely, FINALLY putting in the effort to reach my goals.

Here is what I'm doing these days to see a loss:

1. I'm drinking one cup of hot green tea each morning. I've heard that this tea aides in weight loss, which I can definitely use! But aside from that (I haven't done the proper research to know if this is true or not), I like to drink the tea because it isn't water. I drink so much water that it gets pretty monotonous. The tea breaks up that monotony and it warms me up in the mornings on the cold, cold stained concrete floor in our house. (It's ridiculous how cold that stuff gets!)

2. I plan every single meal and snack down to the amount. I do NOT deviate from this plan, at all. I know that I am giving myself the proper amount of food, and any hunger I feel can be ignored or satiated with water. It is not physical hunger, it is complete emotional hunger and I refuse to give in to that. And that leads me to my next point...

3. I make sure I'm aware of WHY. Why am I hungry when I know I've had enough food? What's on my mind? What are the memories, stress, or issues causing this? I'm becoming more and more self aware, and most of the time, I know what the source of my emotional hunger is. I'm becoming much more open with my husband, letting out my concerns, issues, whatever, instead of holding them in. It has made a world of difference. And if I come to find that my hunger is not emotional, I'll allow myself a small, healthy snack.

4. I've limited processed foods and white sugar. With my diabetes, there is absolutely no reason or excuse or room for this in my diet. If I want normal blood sugar, I must avoid it. It's easy for me because basically, it's life and death. Obviously, I choose life. No sugar rush is worth shortening my life. I love my life!

5. I've also limited my carb intake. I've not done too much research on the subject, but along with my doctor, I've made the decision to eat not more than 120 grams per day, but I strive to eat no more than 100 grams. This has been harder for me because I've found it really hard to eat lower carbs with my vegetarian diet. But this is all about finding the right diet for me for the rest of my life. I'll continue to work and fine tune this until I'm where I want to be.

6. Exercise! This is actually a new one. The weight I lost in December was without exercise, but my doctor told me that it is REQUIRED. Like most things, I find that it's easy to do now because it's required for me to be healthy and to manage my diabetes. I guess I was scared straight. Here is what I've been shooting for as far as working out is concerned. I really like this program because it incorporates all kinds of workouts and I really need the guidance of scheduled exercise. I can't wait to see the results!

I'm not saying I'm perfect with this ALL the time, there have been some wrenches thrown my way that I've had to jump over, but for the most part, I do these things and get results! I don't want to slip back into my old ways, which I've done a bit this last week. My pants feel a little tighter and the scale is slightly up because of it. I just don't want that any more. I don't want the bloat and bad feelings that come with the bad eating. If I follow my guidelines above (which may not work for you), then I'll continue to move down on the scale and in pants!

Be the Change!

2012-01-12T17:09:00.002-05:00

The time: 11:30 p.m. The place: Downtown San Antonio on S. Alamo in front of Hemisfair Park. The night: New Years Eve 2011.

Rob and I made an awful, terrible mistake. Being that it was our first time celebrating New Years Eve in the fabulous city we now call home, we really had no way of knowing. Here's a free tip for you just in case you are ever visiting our fair city on New Year's Eve: It is crowded, every corner, nook, and cranny of S. Alamo from East Nueva to the Palacio del Rio is filled with drunk, crazy people. Avoid it at all costs!

The mistake made by my sweetie and me was that we thought we could squeeze through the crowd down S. Alamo and then turn left onto East Nueva (as if these street names are of any help to non San Antonians! Here's a map, hand drawn by yours truly :D).

The black is the path we took through the crowd.

Boy oh boy were we WRONG! Violent, uncaring, incredibly obese people were knocking me around with their hips and butts. I couldn't breathe any fresh air whatsoever. The lady next to me began to cry hysterically. This was too much to bear and when our golden opportunity came to get out of that crowd, I dove past the crying lady and her husband without remorse. Suddenly, sweet, cool air was flooding into my nostrils and we were out of the crowd and walking through La Villita. It took us thirty minutes to push, shove, and elbow our way through the stampede. Once we got to our destination, a little behind the crowd, I began to notice exactly how many very, very obese people were surrounding me. San Antonio is the third fattest city in the U.S. I never noticed how true this was until that night. In a crowd of primarily obese people, even being obese myself, I was bounced around like a rag doll. In most cases, I was much smaller than my fellow stampeders. I decided that night that I wanted to change, that I no longer wanted to be clumped in with the other fat, statistic making residents of this city. I want to be different, to lose weight, and to lead by example. I want to form support groups and exercise groups, I want to speak out against obesity and be part of the change. I want to lead as many people as possible out of obesity and into a lifetime of good health. That can start with me! That WILL start with me. I know that it is already January 12th, but it's never to late to make a resolution. Mine is to become a face of hope and health in a city that needs so much help. I want big things to happen in 2012 for me, and it starts NOW. Are you in? Are you going to be a face of change and inspiration? Who are you going to help this year while helping yourself?

The sky's the limit as far as we are concerned. Time to rock it in 2012!

More Than Lucky

2012-01-10T21:43:00.000-05:00

Each and every time I get down in the dumps, I become extremely introverted and brooding. I think about my issues, my weight, my health, my looks, my financial situation, my dirty house, whatever, and I hate it. I see no goodness. I see no positivity. Just negativity. Ugliness. Annoyance. And I’m lucky that it doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, I neglect to count my many, many blessings.

Right now, I’m sitting in a Panera Bread, munching on a salad and sandwich (that I really shouldn’t be eating, but I decided to indulge despite my recent indulgences. dumb!), and listening to my favorite playlist on Spotify. The song I’m listening to right now makes me absolutely euphoric, it makes me feel adored and so, so very happy. It is called The Girl (by City and Colour).

This past summer, in order to help me achieve my goals of becoming a photographer, I traveled to my hometown sans my husband to take photos of friends and family to build my portfolio. It was going to be a long two weeks that I’d be there, but my husband was so completely supportive of this endeavor. He is supportive of everything and anything concerning my dreams. It was to be that I would be riding to Louisiana with my departed grandfather’s wife as she had just spent the summer working in San Antonio. Without my knowledge, my husband very sweetly set about making a road trip mix tape (playlist) of songs that reminded him of me for my eight hour ride. Unfortunately and completely fortunately, my plans for a ride fell through, and my husband ended up driving me to my destination. As we were driving through Katy, TX, me at the wheel, he clasped my free hand into his and told me that he made me this mix. He asked me if I wanted to hear it, and squeezed my hand lovingly when I said, “YES!” emphatically. I heard the first chords to the song The Girl, and having never heard it, I braced myself. This was a song that my sweet husband listens to and sweetly thinks of me when he hears it. As the singer hauntingly sung the lyrics and my husband squeezed my hand at certain parts, I just started crying. It was such a sweet moment. He is such a sweet man. And when I get down in the dumps, I need to remember what I have. I know that our relationship is very very rare these days. Our love story is what people wish they could have themselves. We are the happily ever after. No matter the situation, the weight on my body, the dishes piled in the sink, no extra money, we have each other and that is so very much more than I ever thought I deserved. I am blessed!

Vegetarian Lifestyle

2012-01-03T15:49:00.000-05:00

We're four days into 2012 and I'm SO close to the 240s that I can taste it. Four pounds away. I plan on getting there quite soon, and then blowing through them to get myself into the lower 30s. In October, my OB/gyn and I set my goal weight at 215 pounds. She believed that that would be the safe weight for me to get pregnant. At 215, I would have lost 20% of my body weight. I really, really want to get there!

I have my one month check up with my doctor to see how I've been doing weight loss wise and how my blood sugar has been this last month. I'm excited to go because I've lost eight pounds this month. Eight pounds through the holidays! WHAT?! As I've said before, diabetes has really opened up my eyes and I've changed my diet drastically to a mostly vegetarian diet. I've added in exercise each day and I make sure that I stay incredibly hydrated by drinking lots of water with citrus and at least one cup of green tea per day.

My decision to go vegetarian, actually partially so, came a few days after my doctors appointment on December 6. She told me to limit carbs & sugar and up my protein. Easy enough. When my husband and I returned home that morning and told my mother in law, who was there visiting for the week, about the diagnosis and the appointment, she put it on our agenda to head to the bookstore before she left. She had cut out a lot of meat and all dairy just months prior and had lost some weight. She looked great! She told me that the book she was talking about which is what was helping her lose weight, Dr. Barnard's Diet for Reducing Diabetes, was insisting that a vegan lifestyle was the way to go to cure diabetes. That animal protein & dairy causes more harm to the body than good. I read the book, page by boring page, and decided to give it a try. I was going vegan. Vegan! Just the word caused me to shudder. The next day, I went to the grocery store to get vegan food for the day. I then went to the library and got every vegan cookbook in the place, even requesting more from other branches. When I got home, I made my lunch, a salad of chick peas, mesclun, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, and balsamic vinegar. Thinking about this meal still makes me cringe. I sat down with my salad, willing myself to eat it, while I dove into the cookbooks. My head started to feel foggy after thumbing through many of the books, and the salad had left me with a bad taste in my mouth. That day, the very one I had announced my vegan plans, I renounced veganism. If you ARE a vegan, I applaud you for it. It is an amazing lifestyle, but one that was clearly not for me. At least not at this point in my life. In the future, maybe my mind will change. When my husband got home, we sat down to a meal of grilled cheese and apple sandwiches and discussed what our healthy eating options were. We talked about how drastic of a change veganism was, but both decided that vegetarianism could be a sustainable lifestyle for both of us. We were already eating vegetarian 3-4 nights a week to save money by not buying meat, so it seemed no problem to just not eat any meat. The thing is, we do still eat meat, but only if we are at a restaurant, which we only budget for once a week.

I know that meat wasn't what was making me fat or even what gave me diabetes. That was me. That was all the sugar and fried foods and bread I ate. Being [mostly] vegetarian has already showed me some wonderful improvements in how I feel physically. Not to mention, my blood sugar is consistently in a lower, normal range. Eating vegetarian is pushing my husband and me to try new things, new produce, new meatless products. It's allowing us to save money. But most of all, it makes our diets so very much healthier. And because of that, I will continue along my vegetarian path hand in hand with the man I so adore!

2012 Will be Ashley's Epic Year!

2011-12-27T16:37:00.001-05:00

A lot of the time, I allow myself to fall into this funk, this icky feeling overtakes me and I have no interest in, well, anything. My house becomes a mess because I just don't care. My eating becomes all about convenience and comfort. My exercise habits cease to exist. Blogging becomes a daunting task. I throw myself pity parties, yet do nothing to change my frame of mind. This is what I've been going through lately, especially now after the holidays. My good, nay, GREAT, eating habits slipped out of the window come Christmas Eve, and they have not yet returned to normal. Prior to these last few days, I was losing weight, lowering my blood sugar, and generally feeling amazing health wise. This was helping me keep my sanity. But now, even that has fallen to the wayside.

2012 is in less than a week, and it will become the year of change for me. My weigh in on January 4, 2011 was 268 pounds. Today, I weighed in 12 pounds lower than that. Basically, I lost a pound a month in 2011. I mean, it's progress, sure, but how can I be proud of losing 12 pounds in 365 days? I need to lose at least 100 pounds to get to a healthy weight range, but if I continue losing just 12 pounds a year, it will take me EIGHT YEARS to get there. Eight freaking years! I know I need to be kind to myself, but I also need to be stern. I know that there are things I MUST put strict limits on: white carbs, excess oil/butter, and my enemy number one, sugar. I know there are things I MUST increase: water consumption and vegetable consumption, mainly. I'm learning all sorts of new things, and I have decided to eat with vegetarian ideals from this point forward. Meat will be limited to just once a week and the same goes for seafood. My goal is to make healthy, WHOLE foods, to use fresh ingredients, and make gourmet, great tasting meals that make us never want meat or unhealthy foods again.

When I visited my doctor back in the beginning of December, my fasting blood sugar had gone down from 231 (in October) to 161, a great improvement! When I was eating vegetarian, whole foods prior to the Christmas holidays, limiting sugars and sugary, carby snacks, my fasting blood sugar was 95. NINETY FIVE. That's pretty darn normal. In less than a month, I was able to lower my blood sugar through a whole foods diet (along with my medication). This is something to be so, so proud of! My weight went from 261 to 256 since December 6. That's a little less than half the weight I lost this entire year. And that loss was from diet alone. I know my body wants this change, my mind wants it too. Yes, some holidays are hard, there are always going to be mistakes made with food, but each and every time, I need to pick up where I left off and move on with my healthy habits. That's a huge goal of mine in 2012. Other health related resolutions/goals include reaching a healthy weight, running at least three 5Ks, becoming fully vegetarian, and BEATING DIABETES!

In 2010, all I wanted in 2011 was to be pregnant. That didn't happen. BUT, I know that my body is not ready for pregnancy. With diabetes AND being morbidly obese, it's ridiculous to even try for a baby. In 2012, however, I WILL shed this excess weight, and my (and my husbands) biggest hope is that by New Year's Day 2013, we will already have the sweet baby we've been wanting or will be expecting her/him.

Aside from fitness and health, I hope to continue on my path to becoming a photographer and growing my business. I am finally able to do what it is that I am passionate about, and I've not been working near hard enough to reach my goals. If I want to continue doing this as my sole job, I need to work on marketing hard and getting my name out there. If you are in the San Antonio area and looking for a photographer, you can view my work on my Facebook fan page here. Mention that you saw this post on my blog, and I'll waive the session fee for you!

Business aside, I hope to continue to grow in love with my husband, working hard together to get out of debt, to grow our savings, to pay off our car, and to buy a house. 2012 will be epic!

What are your resolutions/goals for the new year? Are you excited to start fresh? I know I sure am!

Have Yourself an Awkward Little Christmas!

2011-12-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

I hope you all are having and will continue to have a happy, happy holiday season! :)

Busy Week

2011-12-10T10:49:00.000-05:00

This last week has been one of my busiest this year! Between work and play, blog writing and reading has fallen to the wayside. My husband's family is here in town, and we've been having such a wonderful time. I miss being surrounded by family! Most of them are back home by now, but his mom is with us until tomorrow evening. We are sad that this week is coming to a close. Even amidst the fun, I learned quite a few things. You see, my husband's aunt is incredibly fit. She cannot sit still for long periods of time, she loves to go, go, go. I'm quite the opposite. I hate walking and would rather bike everywhere. But even then, I have to force myself out there. I tried to take a page out of her book, closely watching her as she ordered food and noting that each and every time we went out, no matter the restaurant or limited healthy options, she always got a extremely healthy meal. Even at Cracker Barrel (if you don't know what CB is, it is a restaurant that serves extremely fattening food in excessive quantities), she managed to get fish and vegetables. I followed her lead that night and got grilled catfish which happened to be the BEST thing I've ever eaten there! As my THREE sides (crazy, right?! most of the options are fried or carbs), I got salad, green beans, and I splurged a little by getting hash brown casserole (which I only ate half of). I tried to follow her lead at most meals, and surprisingly did pretty well. She couldn't have come at a better time, either, because I just went to my doctor appointment on Tuesday and received a confirmation that I DO have diabetes. I'll have another post about that next week sometime, but I loved being able to observe a fit person's choices especially in a time where I needed a little extra guidance.

I hope you guys have a lovely weekend. I'm off to spend some more QT with my mother in law before she leaves us tomorrow!

Weight Watchers PointsPlus 2012

2011-12-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

When I heard that Weight Watchers would be changing up their plan, I was SO nervous. When I actually track my points, PointsPlus works wonders for my waistline! I haven't been to the Weight Watchers website in a week or so (I know, I know, BAD), so I was surprised when I got on today and saw a major layout change. I read about the new program and what I found is that it's BETTER. For one, I can make activity goals for myself each week and try to reach them. While I hate tracking my food, I just love tracking my activity! I'm excited about that feature.

For me, though, the BEST thing about the new program is the Simply Filling technique. I'm ecstatic to try this technique because as I said above, I HATE tracking my food. With this, I can eat off of the power foods list for zero points, and I have a weekly budget of points to use if I eat foods not on that list. I've been getting better and better about portion sizes, and I really think that this could work for me. In addition, I went to the doctor on Wednesday and she did some blood work to see if my blood sugar and triglyceride levels had decreased and said that if they hadn't, she would call back to make an appointment for next week so we can talk about diabetes, diet, and medication. I think the power foods list will pair up nicely with the lower carb diabetes diet that she briefly mentioned to me at my appointment. She said that with diet and exercise, I could reverse the symptoms of this disease and live without medication. However, I'll have to be on medication at least for now so that I'm not in any danger. She seemed pleased that I've lost some weight since my initial appointment and told me that she is happy to see how much I want to reverse this disease. She said that's the hard part for her, trying to get people to care. I don't know how someone couldn't care that they have diabetes! Anyway, I'm remaining completely optimistic because this is just temporary. If I work hard, I can reach my goal of better health and fitness and, I will finally be able to have that baby my husband and I have been wanting for SO long! I have another doctor appointment on Wednesday and from this point on, things will only get better (and healthier!) for me.

Are you on Weight Watchers? How do you like the tweaks to the program and site?

Thankgiving Weekend!

2011-11-30T15:46:00.000-05:00

Wow! I cannot believe that Thanksgiving has come and gone already. Time for Christmas! Our holiday weekend was jam packed full of fun and work. On the way to my parents' house, we did really well with eating the food that we brought along with us, but at Buc-ee's, our favorite little roadside stop, we got a small Icee and a pack of cashews to share. The temptation of those mini powdered donuts were there, but I resisted! I felt so happy about that. Luckily, we were out of food because as we got into the last two hours of our trip, I was stressed out beyond belief because of the traffic jams that we got caught up in. I definitely felt the need to eat away those feelings but I'm so happy I was forced to feel them instead of stuff them down. I'm starting to be able to cope with emotions better without using the crutch of food, though in times of stress, it is always a major struggle.

Thanksgiving day was a day of family, laughter, catching up, and of course, lots and lots of food and dessert. I'm not going to lie here, I consumed more than I had planned to. My plate only sort of resembled the plate I drew out for you all here. BUT, I'm okay with that. My indulgences were smaller and I just had a few spoonfuls of extras I didn't know would be there. All in all, I resisted eating all that my mind was telling me to, and for that, I am proud! I felt satiated, but not stuffed. I even had a bite of each dessert I desired, and only a small bit of the one I wanted the most. This is such an improvement, you guys! I didn't conquer Thanksgiving, but I made much much smarter choices! That's definite progress!

The rest of the weekend flew by and I had a few photoshoots to do. I ate on the fly and did pretty well with my choices. I even got to eat some of my favorite not so good for you foods without guilt. This all added up into me maintaining my weight. No loss, but no gain! Amazing! Usually, I gain a couple pounds during the holidays, and it is really crazy to me that I didn't for the first time EVER!

How was your holiday weekend? I can't wait to read about them :)

Road Trip

2011-11-23T01:38:00.000-05:00

In a few hours, we are heading out to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. Amongst the rush of packing and making sure that we have absolutely everything, I made sure to put aside some time to pack a healthy days worth of food for us when we're on the road.

Road trips for me have always been a gluttonous affair with salty snacks and sweet candy bars. And let's not forget the powdered mini donuts. Those were a staple. It just wasn't a road trip without them! I've been trying to steer away from those foods for a couple different reasons. For one, it's simply too expensive to buy the snacks provided at the gas stations or vending machines at rest stops. A few months ago when we made this same trip, we ended up spending $20 on just a few things! Insane! Another big thing is the health factor. Of course, mostly anything we can buy in those tiny convenience stores are loaded with sugar and fat. Also, by packing our lunch and a couple healthy snacks, I know that we won't stop at McDonald's or some other similar place. I can't stop myself from falling into my bad habits at those places; I'll end up with a medium caramel frappe, a double cheeseburger, and two snack wraps even though I KNOW that I wouldn't be able to eat it all. But I would still order it, and stuff it all down, then feel miserable for the rest of the day and night. The nutrition information for this go-to meal of the past is absolutely sickening:

That is FORTY FOUR Weight Watchers points, my entire days worth plus 4. An absolutely obscene number of calories, fat, sodium, carbs, and sugar! Luckily, I can't eat that much food in one sitting anymore, but I know that the food at fast food places are too addictive to me, and I will NEVER be okay with ordering just a salad. Even if I didn't get the frappe and one of the wraps, the nutrition would still be out of control. That being said, I took every precaution to ensure a healthy day for not only me, but for my sweetie as well.

I packed some sandwiches, pre-portioned bags of chips, an apple, two liters of water, a diet Pepsi for us to share during lunch, and bananas as a side to breakfast. We are eating at Chick Fil A for breakfast (Chick Fil A is not one of my weaknesses, so I'm in the clear there), but my points have been tracked already and I know exactly what I'm getting. I will NOT deviate from the plan.

I hope those of you traveling for the holiday (or otherwise) get to your destinations and then back home safe, sound, and healthy! :)

Pumpkin Cheesecake Parfait

2011-11-22T11:21:00.001-05:00

The other day, someone I follow on Pinterest posted a recipe that I just had to try, a pumpkin tart made with pumpkin, yogurt, and small phyllo cups. I made the recipe as it was, but was not a fan of then phyllo. The wheels started turning in my head and I knew that I had to use the filling another way. And then it hit me, I should mix it with cheesecake, and what better recipe than Skinny Taste's No Bake Cheesecake?! I threw it all together in a delicious dessert parfait and my husband and I fell in love with it! SO good!

Pumpkin Cheesecake Parfait
serves 8
7 points plus

For the pumpkin filling:
1- 14 oz can pumpkin (not the pie filling)
6 oz. light artificially sweetened yogurt
1- 3.5 oz box sugar free fat free vanilla pudding mix

1. Whisk the pumpkin and yogurt together, then whisk in the pudding mix.

For the cheesecake:
8 oz 1/3 less fat cream cheese, room temp
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp lemon
8 oz sugar free whipped topping

1. Whisk together the cream cheese, sugar, and lemon until well combined.
2. Fold in the whipped topping.

Other ingredients:
16 tbsp sugar free whipped topping
16 ginger snaps, crushed

To assemble the parfaits:
1. In 8 cups, layer with 1 tbsp pumpkin filling, then 1 tbsp cheesecake filling, then 1 tbsp whipped topping, then 1 crushed cookie. Repeat one more time.

These are so easy to make, no baking required. They are a few more points than I wanted, but still so delicious for a Thanksgiving treat!

Creamy Cauliflower Potato Mash

2011-11-21T09:19:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite foods, hands down, is creamy, silky mashed potatoes. But now that diabetes is rearing it's ugly head toward me, I knew that my normal, starchy potatoes were just not going to cut it this Thanksgiving. I've been hesitant to try cauliflower as a replacement, but when I finally did, the results were quite impressive and indulgent! These "faux"tatoes are a healthy version of this full fat recipe from the Pioneer Woman. Give 'em a try.

Creamy Cauliflower Potato Mash
Serves 4
Points+: 3, Cals: 133, Fat: 8.9g, Carb: 9.7g, Protein: 3.6g, Fiber: 3.3g

16 oz frozen cauliflower
1/2 cup raw potato, cubed
2 oz 1/3 less fat cream cheese, room temp
2 tbsp butter, room temp
2 tbsp fat free half and half, room temp
1 tbsp Tony Chachere's seasoning, or to taste
2 tsp garlic powder, or to taste
2 tbsp parsley, chopped

Boil the potatoes and the cauliflower until tender, about 20 minutes. I boiled them in two separate pots.

Strain the potatoes and cauliflower and put them into a food processor and pulse until it reaches your desired consistency. I like 'em really, really smooth. Pour them into a medium bowl.

Whisk the cream cheese, half and half, butter, Tony's, and garlic powder into the potatoes until well combined. Sprinkle parsley over the top and serve hot.

Ashley's Plate

2011-11-20T20:39:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving week to you all out there! I've been thinking long and hard about holidays past, and what I'm going to do this year to change the bad habits from those years. I am a new woman, someone FINALLY on her way to weight loss. Someone who is finally seeing weight loss on the scale at a steady pace. I don't want to lose that steam. It's been a LONG time coming. My goal is to take away the focus of food during the holidays. Thanksgiving is about so much more than the turkey. It's about love, laughter, and family. That is going to be my focus this year. Also, I have a game plan that will take away all the guesswork from eating my Thanksgiving day meal.

I saw an interesting visual on this awesome blog. She divided her plate into sections, labeling the food that will go there, how much it will be, and the points value for each of them. I decided to do the same, but forgot to buy paper plates in which to do it on. I said, "the hell with it," and pulled out one of my chipped real plates, a Sharpie, and my fancy plate holder and got to work. When I was finished, my plate looked like this:

I think it will be a nice visual for me come Thanksgiving day. My entire plate is 17 points in all, including dessert. That's not too bad! This will be the wallpaper on my phone this week to help me remember that I can still have all of those comfort foods associated with this day of thanks, but eating smaller amounts is better for my waistline in the long run.

What does your plate look like? If you blog about it, leave me a comment here with a link to your post. I'd love to see what other people are planning!

Mish mash

2011-11-18T16:30:00.000-05:00

The holidays are drawing near, and it is taking everything I have to not put up Christmas decorations! My husband was none too happy when I put up our tree about a week or so ago. I just can't help it. To battle the early darkness of a winter's day, I MUST have pretty, sparkly lights shining brightly in the blackness. I have a few craft projects that I will be doing throughout the Christmas season, and I'd love to share them on my blog. As I've said before, I'm more than just a person trying to lose weight, so why shouldn't my blog be as multi-faceted as I am?

I've been trying really hard to decrease my sugar consumption lately. I've increased my intake of lower GI veggies and foods, and I've upped my water and exercise intake. The word diabetes still hangs over my head like a dark rain cloud. I'll be going to the doctor November 30th, and I'm hoping that by changing up my diet, my blood sugar will be lower. I do NOT want to have to give myself shots. It's already bad enough that I'm on Metformin (to help with insulin resistence) and two other medications. I always thought I was a healthy fat girl. Boy, did life smack me in the back of the head!

I'll be back on Sunday with my Thanksgiving survival guide, and a few delightful, low sugar recipes to help you curb your sweet tooth and enjoy a guilt free Thanksgiving day! I'm really excited :)

300!

2011-11-06T19:22:00.000-05:00

This is my 300th post! Wow!

I apologize for the lateness of me posting the winners of the Shutterfly cards giveaway. Things got incredibly busy and I'm only just catching up.

The winners were:

Christina

Sarah

and...

Carla!

Congratulations to the winners! Please email me at ashley at oppositeofthin dot com so I can send you your codes :)

I have a lot to talk about this week, so hopefully I'll find some time to get it written. I hope you all have a very healthy & happy week :)

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

2011-11-01T16:11:00.000-04:00

Hey guys! I know I haven't blogged in a bit, but I've been incredibly busy with work, travel, fighting off a cold, and hosting a friend at our home. Unfortunately, this plus Halloween candy has resulted in a significant weight gain. Ugh. Annoying, but I'm not allowing myself to wallow in it. I'm right back on plan and ready to lose again!

Life is so much about learning and for me, one of those learning experiences is how to juggle life and stress without using food as my crutch. I'm getting there, but it's been a long road and there is no end in sight. I am content with the knowledge that I will stumble but I am confident that I can get right back on plan. My goals are there and I'm going to reach them!

I hope you're all having a wonderful week :)

My First Giveaway!

2011-10-27T02:13:00.001-04:00

Shutterfly is one of my absolute favorite companies for photo products, so you can imagine my excitement when they contacted me a couple of weeks ago about their new holiday cards. I know, I know, it's only October. But I start thinking about my Christmas cards early, because my husband and I like to be creative and fun with ours. This year, we're doing a Hipster Christmas theme, and I found the perfect card to use for our fun, awkward photo.

Last year, I printed my cards with Shutterfly, and they were gorgeous. The quality of their cards is better than any others that I've used in the past. Seriously! I already know that when I'm finally able to achieve my dream of becoming a mother, I'll definitely be using one of their beautiful birth announcements. I've also made and received several photo books from Shutterfly, both for myself and for gifts. I've had my first photo book, my wedding photos, for four years now. I look at it frequently, and the book is still like new. Incredibly high quality!

With all that being said, I'm very happy to announce that Shutterfly, being the awesome company they are, has offered free holiday cards to not only me, but three of my readers. All you need to do to enter this giveaway for 25 free holiday cards from Shutterfly is leave me a comment telling me what card design is your favorite. Earn an additional entry by tweeting about my giveaway (@oppositeofthin is giving away 25 free holiday cards! Read this post for all the deets: http://bit.ly/rTrPdA) and commenting on this post that you did so. You can also mention it on your blog and then comment that you did so here (with the link to the blog post). Winners will be chosen using random.org and announced on November 3rd at 7 p.m. central.

Weigh In & Zombies!

2011-10-25T13:48:00.000-04:00

-2.6 pounds this week! Being back on Weight Watchers has done amazing things for me. The weight is falling off quickly and easily, and I think it's because I'm much more eager, I'm totally on plan, and I KNOW that losing weight this go round is an absolute necessity! No playing around for me! I'm down to 260.0, a weight that is lower than any I've seen since December 2009 when I worked as a two year old teacher at a daycare. I was always going, going, going, and drinking so much water that I barely had enough room to eat at that time. I was 257 pounds. I'm excited to get there again and surpass that weight! 257 was my lowest weight since 2005 when I weighed in the lower 200s, maybe 230-240. I'm not sure because I didn't have a scale but I'm ready to surpass all of the 200s so I can finally be in my lowest and healthiest weights.

With that said, I've definitely been trying to stay incredibly active. When I heard about the zombie walk last Sunday, my husband and I promptly headed to Goodwill and the Halloween stores to get our zombie gear. How fun, right? Exercise and dressing up, how could it get more awesome?

I worked so hard making that fabulous skirt, sort of a throwback to 2005 when I was Pat Benetar for Halloween and made a similar skirt.

We hopped in the car and drove to downtown.

We parked in an area that we knew had free parking and we walked to the bike station nearby. Got a lot of honks and waves and smiles as we biked our zombie butts to the starting point of the walk.

There were SO many zombies there. I knew that the turnout would be good, but I had NO IDEA exactly how many people would be there. Crazy!

There were some interesting takes on zombies. Loved those Amish guys behind me!

We walked to the Alamo. I was happy at first. A happy zombie!

But then I got annoyed. Very very annoyed. The Alamo was the only stop on the zombie walk. Maybe half a mile or less from the starting point. What a let down! Definitely wasn't exercise for me.

We were starved and thirsty, so we stopped at Fuddrucker's and then biked for a while. Biking as a zombie was way more fun!

The Big D

2011-10-19T12:17:00.000-04:00

There have been so many times that I've sat here, staring at a blank Word document, willing something interesting or inspiring to come to mind. Today is not that day. It's more like I have SO MUCH to say that I honestly don't know where to start. My eyes are starting to burn with tears, a feeling I've been accustomed to since yesterday at noon. My OB/gyn called me. She told me sympathetically that my blood test results came back abnormally. My cholesterol is very elevated. My blood gluclose was at 231 mg when I went into her office last week. As I sat there stunned, willing my tears away, she told me that I needed to find a primary care doctor immediately because she is worried that I may have diabetes. Diabetes. I could scarcely hold back the tears, and when we hung up with promises of getting to an MD immediately, they began to flow freely. I felt as though the life had been sucked out of me, that my feet had been kicked out from under me. Diabetes. At 26 years old.

Growing up, I didn't really know my biological father or any of his family despite growing up in the same small parish of south Louisiana. I grew up with vague and loving memories of his mother, the woman who I remember adoring until her death when I was four years old. I didn't know what her cause of death was. I just remember seeing her lying in a hospital bed, frail, with scaly, patchy skin. She scared me. That was the last time I saw her. It wasn't until this summer while having a conversation with my mom that she informed me that my grandma had diabetes. She died because of it. Why this didn't shake me to my very core three months ago when I first found out is completely beyond me. Being so obese and finding out that my family history includes diabetes AND heart issues (my mom's father passed away because of a heart attack shortly after my wedding) should have been a major red flag. But still, I sat there and did nothing. I kept eating sugar, fat, empty calories. WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO EAT AND EAT AND EAT? There is no rhyme or reason to it. I think I know a lot of my issues with food, but facing them does not make this path any easier unfortunately.

I'm not saying that this possible diagnosis is a good thing, but it has certainly opened my eyes and for that I am grateful. There is a very real, very scary disease staring me right in the face and it has become my number one priority to make it go away as soon as possible. I've been reading a lot about diabetes today, and if I do have it, I have it for life. It's an incredibly frightening thought. But the symptoms are easily managed with a healthy lifestyle, good eating and exercise. Today, I started doing just that. And I am going to continue down this path because this is about more than just me. This is about my husband, too. And our babies. I need and want to be there for them, to take care of them and love them for a very long time to come. This weight loss journey is no longer going to be a frivolous walk in the park with stops for candy here, brownies there, or ice cream around the corner. This is a necessity for me to live the long life that I want. I know I can do this. This is life or death for me. I choose life. I hope that you do, too. Lose the excess weight before you are diagnosed with health problems. Do it for yourself and do it for your loved ones. we're all in this together and together, we can fulfill our goals.

Onward and downward to a healthy life and lower weight! I'm totally committed to see this through to my goals and beyond.

Weigh In & other stuff

2011-10-18T12:01:00.000-04:00

I lost 1.3 pounds this week! While this is exciting for me, I know I could have done better if I had actually put forward any effort at all. You see, on Wednesday I went to my OB/gyn. The appointment went well, but among my many issues, PCOS was at the top of the list. Yes, the thing I feared is the thing I have. Fortunately, she said that with a 20% weight loss, about 50 pounds, the symptoms will start to fix themselves. She did put me on Metformin (glucophage) to help with my symptoms AND to aid in weight loss. She said it is likely that I have insulin resistance, which makes it harder to lose weight. This will help not turn everything I eat immediately into sugar. The good news of all of this though is that I CAN still have a baby. My OB/gyn has worked with obese mom's to be before, and she was supportive of me and my weight loss endeavors. She said even losing 20 pounds will help my baby be in a much healthier environment.

Along with those pills, I did not eat well. I did okay, but I know there is so much room for improvement. I'm excited to see how much closer to my 50 pound goal I can get by eating well and working out! I went grocery shopping a couple days ago, and all of my meals are already planned out. All I have to do is stick to the plan, and I'll do very well.

I've lost 3.6 pounds in the last four weeks. Not the most impressive number, but it's progress and I'll take it! Now let's see if I can double or triple that number for the next four weeks!

Eat well. Exercise. That's all I have to do to get better and have babies! Easy peasy :)

Running!

2011-10-12T15:42:00.002-04:00

I am PROUD. So proud.

I’ve been saying for some time now that I was going to start my 5K training. And I did start, but then I would stop again. If there is one thing I’ve learned about myself in this weight loss journey, it’s that I don’t like going by the rules or a plan. The Couch to 5K, no way. The Weight Watchers 5K running plan, heck no. I’ve tried to do them both and failed early on. But on Saturday (Oct. 8), I decided to get on the treadmill here at my house and just see what I could do. I wanted to push myself. The day before, my younger brother (who I didn’t grow up with, but we found each other on Facebook and are building our relationship) left a comment on my status in which I said I would be starting my 5K training. I didn’t end up doing it that day, but the comment he left me fanned the flames of determination in my mind.

With those words in mind, I got on the treadmill. I pushed myself. I got sweaty, and as the time ticked on, I got more determined. By the time my run was over, I was absolutely drenched in sweat. My breath was heavy and my heart was happy. I went 1.61 miles in 30 minutes. I know this is not an Earth shattering record. My 18.35 mile an hour pace is slow by all standards. All standards but mine. I am a woman in the mid 200 pound range, someone who hasn’t run in over a year or so. I’ll take my slow pace and I’ll be completely proud of it.

I’m not on a proper schedule here, but my goal is to work out at least three times a week, so I allowed myself to skip yesterday and Sunday. This morning, though, I woke up knowing that I had to face that treadmill again, craving those deliciously wonderful endorphin filled moments after the completion of a run. I jumped on without hesitation and started jogging straight away, music blasting through the speakers. I was feeling good, but suddenly, I wasn’t. I was allowing myself to think negative thoughts. I knew going into it that I wanted to beat my distance by 0.01 mile. That’s it. Instead of 1.61, I wanted 1.62 miles. I was completely psyching myself out, I was not feeling confident AT ALL. At ten minutes in, I put out an S.O.S. on Facebook to my friends and family.

I got some wonderful words of support, the best being Kelly’s:

After reading that, I started thinking about how much she inspires me, how she is so active, how she started out the same weight as me and is now well into onederland. Then I started thinking about my own goals, how much easier finding clothes will be, how much healthier I’ll feel, how proud I’ll be to share my story of weight loss with others, how it’ll feel to finally be healthy enough to carry a baby, how wonderful it’ll feel to be able to wear my husband’s jacket when he offers it to me, how much more confident I will become. All of that was swirling through my head, and in those last 8 or so minutes, I really dug deep and ran like my life depended on it.

My timer went off. My thirty minutes were done. I slid the scarf that I had hiding my distance over to the side. I started crying and shaking. This is what I saw:

I was crying because of shock. Pride. Happiness. Sadness. Wonderment. All emotions encompassed me in one fell swoop.

If I can push myself that hard on the treadmill, the same can be done in other aspects of my weight loss. If I had even half of the determination back in 2008 when I started this blog that I did on that treadmill yesterday, I would be at goal by now. It makes me pissed off that I’m not. But it also makes me want to push harder and continue on this journey. The past doesn’t matter anymore. The last three years have been a learning experience for me. Right now, though, right now is what matters. The future is what matters. And I’m going to KEEP PUSHING and pushing and pushing myself until I am where I want to be.

As my friend said earlier in the day yesterday, “My rose colored glasses are an extra shade of pleasant today.”

Fearing the OB

2011-10-11T12:55:00.000-04:00

Today is weigh in day and I saw now loss, but more importantly, I saw no gain. I maintained the exact weight I was last week. My goal for this week is to track, track, track!

After over two years, I am heading to my new Ob/GYN tomorrow. I am absolutely terrified by what she may tell me. I’m really worried that I may have PCOS. I have almost every symptom of PCOS. In addition, I’ve yet to get pregnant after four months of using no birth control. I know that getting pregnant takes time and not everyone gets pregnant right away. Four months of trying is within the normal time frame. Heck, I still have eight more months before it’s out of the normal trying to conceive timeline. I just want to make complete and total sure that I don’t have PCOS and that if I do, it gets treated. I have been in such denial at the possibility of having it. The good news is that it is a reversible thing in most cases with weight loss. I do notice that when I’m eating healthy and exercising, my periods do come back and regulate.

If you’ve been following my blog for any amount of time, you know that one of my biggest reasons for losing weight is to have a baby (or ten)! Weight loss is absolutely ESSENTIAL for a healthy pregnancy. Getting my exam and possibly getting a PCOS positive result will probably be very very hard on me. But I have the power to cure or at least lessen my symptoms by losing this extra weight. I want to cry just thinking about failing again on this weight loss path and never being able to create a baby with my husband. More than anything, I want a baby that has a combination of both me and my husband. I know that if we can’t have a baby together, we’ll get on the ball with adoption. But I have to do everything I possibly can to have my own baby. And if we adopt, I still need to be a healthy momma for that baby.

I’m scared that I’ll never get to experience pregnancy, birth, the closeness between the baby I carried and myself. If there is anything on this earth that I want, it’s that. I want to feel the flutters and kicks of a little pea in my round belly. I want to take maternity photos and prepare for my baby, to think about the kind of person he/she will be with my husband. I want the joys and pains of being pregnant.

I’m taking the first steps to getting there by going to my gynecologist tomorrow and by continuing on my path to health. I want pregnancy and a baby so much more than I want a brownie, or ice cream, or anything. Food cannot comfort me, food cannot love me like my future babies will. I need to stop denying them the chance of having a life with me and their amazing dad because I can’t control myself. I don’t believe in abortion because I feel like it is denying a being the chance at life. (That sentence is not here to start a debate. I respect your opinion if it differs from my own. This is just how I feel about it.) That’s almost exactly what I’m doing, though. By staying overweight, I’m not giving our prospective children a shot in hell of ever getting here. That ends today. My journey to health is far from over, it’s only beginning, but I know that each healthy choice I make is one that gives my husband and me a chance to become the wonderful parents I know we will be and it gives our children the chance to be born and change the world. Maybe by eating that extra helping of food, I’m denying the world a president, or a Nobel Peace Prize winner, a superstar, a philanthropist. The possibilities go on and on.

Onward with my weight loss journey I go. I’m not sure how long it’ll take after my exam to get back the results and know if I have PCOS, but while I’m waiting, I’ll continue marching on. I’ll continue making healthy choices. I’ll continue eating within my points and getting in at least three workouts a week. I hold the power to do this for myself. I can do this. It feels so good to have confidence and the want and the will to do this once and for all!

Visuals

2011-10-07T03:03:00.000-04:00

I’ve never been thin. At least not that I can remember. I’ve always been just a little chunkier than my friends. With that being said, you can imagine how tough it is for me to picture myself as a thin woman. What will I look like? What will it be like to have a much flatter stomach and thighs that don’t burn holes in my jeans? I really wanted to see myself in a normal weight range. When I was a kid, I always wanted to cut out a photo of my head and paste it on Mariah Carey’s body. She looked so healthy and curvy, but still thin. Unfortunately, I could never find a picture of myself where my head was small enough to fit on the magazine photo I ripped out. My head was always MUCH bigger than the body in the photo.

Enter Photoshop, boredom, and lack of inspiration and motivation about losing weight just a couple days ago. I tried to imagine the body I would want, something that would keep me going in the right direction on my weight loss journey just by looking at it. I just so happened to be reading a celeb fitness blog and remembered this photo that the blogger posted of Ashley Tisdale coming out of the gym. Her abs are perfect, she looks long and lean even though she is only 5’3, like myself. I got to work and a couple hours later, this was the finished product.

Now, I’m not a whiz at Photoshop. In fact, I am terrible when it comes to stuff like this. I know my head and hair are a little off, but I'm still happy with the outcome. This is a really nice visual for me to have. I’ve been inspired every day since I made it. Oh, and my friends and fam were pretty confused by my long hair in the photo when I posted this on Facebook… This is a photo of what I aspire to look like, long hair included. I’m growing it out currently. Also, I put Future Ash (as I call her) in front of the Alamo because that is one of my favorite places to hang out in San Antonio.

I cannot wait to see how close to this goal of mine I’ll be next year. Now, I don’t truly think my body will ever be as thin as the one in the photo, but as I said, it’s a nice visual, something to keep working toward.

What do you do for inspiration? Do you have to have a visual?

Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Waffles

2011-10-05T12:18:00.002-04:00

If you're anything like me, when September comes around, Fall cravings start immediately. I want warm stews, chicken pot pie, chicken and sausage gumbo, and anything and everything having to do with pumpkin. Put chocolate into the mix, and I'm there!

Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Waffles
adapted from Betty Crocker
serves 10
Cals: 159.25, Fat: 4.1 g, Carb: 27 g, Protein: 4.8 g, Fiber: 1.2 g
Old Points: 3, PointsPlus: 4

Ingredient:
2 1/3 cups Heart Smart Bisquick® mix
1 1/2 cups 1% milk
1/2 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix)
1/3 cup mini chocolate chips
1/4 cup unsweetened apple sauce
2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
2 egg whites
Cooking spray

Method:
Heat waffle iron; spray with cooking spray. Beat all ingredients with wire whisk or hand beater in a large bowl until blended. Pour about 4 tablespoons of batter onto center of hot waffle iron (depending on the size of your iron). Close lid of waffle iron.

Cook about 5 minutes or until steaming stops and waffle is golden brown. Carefully remove waffle. Serve with powdered sugar or syrup (not included in nutrition facts). Enjoy the pumpkin-y fall goodness!

Here are the nutrition facts for the batter so you can divide it based on the size of your waffle iron. (Cals: 1592.5, Fat: 41.4 g, Carb: 269.25 g, Protein: 48 g, Fiber: 12 g)

Weigh In

2011-10-04T08:45:00.000-04:00

I lost exactly one pound this week. I'm not sure how; the week was... not great. I get all tripped up on week two every single time I re-start my weight loss journey. I'll have more on this tomorrow, but right now, I need to lay out my week for myself, set goals, make a menu plan, etc. All I know is that I never want to restart this journey again. I want to go the distance. I can and will do this. No more re-starts, week twos, etc. I'm done with all that.

Stats:

Loss since I restarted my journey on 9.20.11: 2.3 lbs
Loss since my highest weight on 6.2.07: 16.3 lbs

First Week Weigh In!

2011-09-27T09:52:00.002-04:00

I lost 1.3 pounds this week...

Photo found here

...which is the same weight as this lovely, shiny deep fryer. Something that I will never, ever, EVER own. In high school, I stayed at my friend's house one weekend. One very long, very unhealthy, deep fried weekend. Everything she or her mom prepared for us to eat was fried. It's not as though i didn't eat badly at home too, I mean, I'm Cajun, mostly everything is fried or fat laden. But my mom always made sure that we had vegetables (mostly canned, but at least they were there). We had baked chicken, smothered porkchops, lean sandwich meats. I'm not saying that we were the picture of health in my family, but that weekend of fried food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner was just too much, even for my chubby little body. I remember drinking tons and tons of water, knowing that this behavior was so unhealthy. It didn't help that both my friend and her mom were extremely overweight. I resolved to never be like them and to limit my fried food intake. I've been pretty good with that, too.

I'm looking forward to another good, healthy week for me and for all of you :)

Great Week, Not Great Food

2011-09-26T15:27:00.000-04:00

I’m really excited. Tomorrow, for the first time in a loooong time, I will be weighing in after a week of being back on Weight Watchers. I’m not going to lie to you all, there were a couple bad days. My husband and I are working with a tight budget here. Very tight. Our grocery shopping has consisted of buying the cheapest (read: processed) foods available to us. The ridiculous thing is that we buy these foods that lack nutritional value because they are cheap, yet we’ve bought no produce. I know that some produce is expensive, but there is so much that is affordable. Even carb heavy potatoes would be a better alternative to those processed foods. So this week, I’m making it a priority to get tons of raw & cooked fruits and veggies into us.

On Wednesday, my husband and I met up with an old friend who we’d just gotten back in touch with (thank you, Facebook!). While he lives close to San Antonio, he’d never really been to downtown. We had him meet us at our house. When he got here, he did two things: 1. gave me a giant hug (he was my friend during the Disney College Program, not really my husbands); and 2. threw my husband a big bag of Skittles and said, “I bought you guys some skittles!” It was so random that any awkwardness from not seeing or really talking to him for SIX years just vanished. The good news is that I had maybe a handful (or less) of those Skittles. My husband and friend ate the rest. We drove to downtown and introduced him to the bike share. We rode bikes all day. The only issue I had that day was with food. We brought him to this awesome Mexican restaurant and what I ordered was far from healthy. I didn’t eat it all, but I did indulge in some fluffy warm tortillas and a couple glasses of sweet tea that I did not need. We also indulged in ice cream. My stomach hurt that day. At the end of the night, my friend suggested we head out for dinner. He wanted Italian. I knew how detrimental that would be to my diet, so I told him that we could go back to my house and I would cook spaghetti and turkey meatballs. It ended up being a fabulous meal, and so much cheaper and healthier than the alternative.

Yesterday, we headed to Austin with our same friend to meet up with another friend for Austin’s free museum day. While we did a lot of walking, my food intake was a little crazy. We went to a pizza buffet (it was delicious). The thing is, I knew that I would be satisfied with one slice of pizza and a giant salad, but as the conversation flowed and we sat in that pizzeria for three hours, we kept getting up to get more and more. I didn’t go completely overboard like some of my compadres and my husband, but I know I indulged too much. The thing is, I’m done with hating myself for “messing up.” In the past, I know that after eating that pizza, I would have just given up on losing weight yet again. But I’m not going to do that now. Losing weight isn’t all or nothing. I’m finally living my life and enjoying it. I loved not feeling guilty after eating pizza. I loved the feeling of knowing that I’d get right back on track.

I feel so hopeful, and I cannot wait until weigh in day tomorrow. I peeked today, and saw a loss. A small loss, but a loss nonetheless. I set my weight loss goal as 26 pounds. Small, achievable goals are the way to go! My long term weight loss goal is to get to 200 pounds. That’s not super far away. And once I get there, I’ll reassess. For now, I know I can reach both my short AND my long term goals. I’m prepared to put in the hard work!

When You Wish Upon a Star, part 1

2011-09-23T14:14:00.000-04:00

I have been incredibly nostalgic as of late. Most times, when I get like this, it’s because of “The Disney Days” chapter in my life. Some of you may recall me briefly mentioning that I worked in Disney World for some time, that I met my husband there. I worked in the heart of it all, scooping ice cream in the cone shop and serving pastries in the bakery to millions of people right there in the Magic Kingdom on Main Street U.S.A. I think the only place more magical that Main Street in Disney is the big, beautiful castle that I got to see from a giant window while I happily served guests! I saw all of the parades, the shows at the castle, the holiday parties, the fireworks. My friend and I even got the rare opportunity to walk out onto an empty Main Street one night after all the guests had left. What a rare gift that was! I thought, “How can life get any better than this?” I knew, even then, that this time in my life would be one of the most special and cherished memories that I would have in the future.

I’ve wanted to tell this story to you all for a long time, but since this blog was solely focused on weight loss for a while, I decided against it. As my blog is shifting from only weight loss to a more whole picture of my life, I finally feel the need and want to tell my story. To tell my fairy tale. To tell you that dreams DO come true. This is my story, a new chapter each and every week!

……………………………………………………………………………………….

It all started in my spring semester as a freshman on the University of Louisiana-Lafayette campus. It was early March 2005 and I was in a major funk. I was not happy with life or myself. I felt stuck. My grades were in the toilet, I had few friends, low self esteem, and I was knee deep in boy troubles. Why does every story seem to start this way?

Ben and I became friends almost instantly the previous semester when we met in English 101. But as the tale usually goes when two people of the opposite sex become friends, one of us became infatuated with the other. That person was me. He was the only guy, nay, the only person giving me any type of attention, the attention I had been missing and craving for my entire life. Despite those feelings, I knew all along that we were destined to be friends and nothing more. Of course that didn’t stop my silly crush. Over the winter break and the following months, things became tense between us. He was in love with someone else, and being that I was his best friend, he told me all the gritty details. I see now how selfish we both were at that time, caring only about ourselves.

On that cool March morning, I was fuming. I was sick of it. I needed to get out of that situation before I lost my sanity AND my best friend. Lost in thought, I started my walk from my dorm to my first class. As I approached the old brick building, something bright caught my eye, a white sign with purple and green writing. I skimmed the sign quickly and continued my trek. My interest was piqued slightly at this Disney College Program thing that the sign was promoting. Each time I walked to another class, I saw another sign. My interest was growing stronger and stronger. By the time my last class started, I was pretty sure that I would be sitting front and center at the 7 p.m. meeting later that night. I wanted to participate in the Disney College Program. If I could get accepted, I could finally put some space between Ben and myself and save our friendship! I could get away from the demands of school, trying to be good enough, trying to be the model student so my parents would be proud of me. I could finally soar. When I got to the musty old classroom and sat at my desk, my friend turned to me with excitement in her eyes.

“I’m going to a meeting tonight and I may work at Disney World next year for an internship!”

My eyes widened as I told her that I, too, was going to that meeting. As class waned on, we could scarcely contain our excitement. Our professor actually scolded us a few times for talking so much! We lowered our voices and made plans to meet up in the auditorium. She turned around to concentrate on the last few moments left in class, and I sat there deciding that Ben would not know that I was going to that meeting. This was my thing. My life was going to change. And how right I was!

Half Full

2011-09-20T16:30:00.000-04:00

It's been a trend in my life to want something so badly, to lay awake in the darkness of my room at night and plan out how it's FINALLY going to happen. Sometimes it has to do with what I want to do with my life, sometimes it's something like finally getting the house organized. Most often, though, my resolution has to do with finally losing weight. There, laying in my comfy bed, thoughts race freely through my head, promises are made to myself that I won't let myself run out of steam. I make lists of foods that I have to cut out, exercises that I absolutely must do. I go to sleep with so much hope, the thought that I'll only be going down from there. But then with the morning light, all of those lists, plans, thoughts are hazy. I eat breakfast, maybe a little too much cereal or an extra biscuit. From there, the day of eating gets worse and worse until I'm uncomfortably full from the calorie laden dinner we ate. I go back to the same place I was merely 24 hours ago, into the darkness of my room, but my thoughts are completely different. They are not of hope, they are of hate, feelings of failure. Thoughts that say I'm weak, that I'm destined, doomed to walk the earth as an obese woman never fitting into the clothes I want. These days are the worst.

But then, there are other days, wonderful days. I find balance with my eating habits, I'm okay with not eating that extra bite because I know that I don't really need it, that it's not leading me to the smaller body I so desperately want to have. I workout with ease and enthusiasm. I can bike through the streets of our city, my legs gliding on the pedals strongly and swiftly. Those are the days that weight loss doesn't seem so black and white. I know that some days will be harder than others, I know that eating a little more than I planned won't be detrimental to my weight loss if I can balance it with healthy eating and exercise. I know that I am not destined to be obese. With work, with an open mind, I'll be able to achieve my goals. I remember that on the bad days, I need to be kind to myself because there will be many of them. That's life. If I become my own enemy, I'll never reach my goals.

There are 102 more days in 2011. I have not lost any real weight this year. But my biggest goal is to open my eyes on the first day of 2012 as a smaller person than I am right now. I can reach this goal. I WILL. And if that isn't glass half full, then I don't know what is!

It feels so good to be back on track. I'm following the Weight Watchers plan again. I'm exercising. I have goals. Long term, for now, my goal is 200 pounds. Short term, my goal is 240 pounds. I know I can do that!

Autumn

2011-09-09T00:52:00.000-04:00

I'm really not sure when the season of autumn begins, but for me, it's pretty much the first day of September. I yearn for smoky smelling air (which will probably be non existent this year being that we now live in the warmth of south Texas), yellowed leaves, and a crisp breeze all year. Something about Fall makes me happy. With the cooler weather (94 degrees versus 106), however fleeting, I feel as though the summer has finally passed. The fun months are here! Rejoice!

We've been getting out into the city again on our bikes. We abandoned them during the summer months. The 100+ degree days were far too oppressive to fight, so we stayed mostly indoors. I'd never been so thankful to have my old clunky treadmill than I was this summer. Both my husband and I had been missing our bikes, missing the city, craving the wind and the bumpy, horrible roads winding throughout. I get a real sense of community and like mindedness with other cyclers in the city. Most everyone has a giant smile and a friendly nod for us as we pedal around. I love riding; my legs feel so powerful. I feel like they are slicing through the air, quickly getting me around, passed the Alamo, through Market Square, maneuvering around the streets of a city I wasn't sure I would love, but was will to give a try. The city is so full of life, the streets are always bustling with fellow cyclists, smiling residents, and happy tourists enjoying a lazy vacation. When I think about my life in Sacramento and Tampa, FL, I can't believe how lethargic my husband and me were. How lazy we were, how complacent we were to just sit on the couch or lay in our bed watching hour after hour of television. I remember just how out of breath I would become climbing the stairs to our third floor apartment. I KNOW without a doubt in my mind that our decision to move here was the best one we could have made. We are living life and getting healthy together, happily, in a city we adore. And I know I speak for my husband too when I say this, I am so happy. So, so happy. And this is definitely the way life should be :)

5K

2011-09-02T18:50:00.000-04:00

I'm really very excited right now! My husband and I will be entering our first 5K together! We're doing the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning (which is actually slightly more than a 5K; it's a four miler). We really wanted to do it last year, we even started training for it, but we never could scrape up the measly entrance fee because I was much, much more interested in buying Christmas decorations. Hey, what can I say? I love Christmas! Anyway, the entrance fees this year are even lower, so we're definitely doing it, signing up on October 1, the first day of registration.

I'm excited and nervous all at once. Usually, I get an idea in my head and get completely pumped up for it. As the date approaches, I start to feel less and less good about the idea, and the the day of the event, I get cold feet, want to cancel, just want to get out of there. I have major anxiety when it comes to crowds. I am nervous that I'll come in last place. But I'm just telling myself that with the proper training, I'll likely do better than I'm thinking. And besides that, my major goal is just to get through this 4 mile turkey trot and finish without caring about time. FINISH. That is something I've never done. I've never finished ANY of the goals I've set for myself. I really need to break that terrible habit. So I'm going to finish the Turkey Trot. And I'm going to finish at my goal of getting the healthy body I want. I'm ready to see those finish lines, especially the latter. But I know that this whole losing weight thing is a marathon, and I'll be running this for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that. I'm a work in progress :)

I started my 5K training. I'm doing the program that Weight Watchers put out sometime earlier this year. My first day was, dare I say, great! Basically, you warm up for 5 minutes, then you alternate between running and walking for one minute each, repeating ten times, then you cool down for 5 minutes. So 30 minutes of walking and running. I didn't psyche myself out before I started, and I think that was a big part of my success. I was slightly concerned that since I hadn't been on the treadmill in months, I'd be gasping for air and my legs would be killing me. But guys, that never happened! I was able to run/walk with ease. I never dreaded being on the treadmill, and I honestly couldn't believe how fast the time went. I think that biking has played a giant role in that successful training session. My legs are much stronger and my endurance is better because of my long bike rides. Today, day two, is a rest day in my training, but I cannot wait to get back on the treadmill! I'm ready to beat my time from day one, which was 1.38 miles in 30 minutes. I know that's not the BEST time, but it's a start!

Err, This is Awkward...

2011-08-30T15:48:00.000-04:00

There is nothing worse than a long blogging hiatus. It's always awkward to bounce back from. I never know how to start my blog again, what to say. Frankly, there is too much to say and all of the thoughts are jumbled, rattling around in my head. What's important? What MUST I mention? What can be left out?

I've been okay, surviving, working hard on everything BUT weight loss and health. I've been trying to pursue my lifelong dream of being a professional photographer. My nose has been shoved in many, many photography books, my eye pressed to the viewfinder of my Nikon, my head spinning with conflicting thoughts: complete self doubt and extreme self confidence. I try not to let the doubt overtake my mind. It's been really tough, though. My skills with Photoshop and editing are SEVERELY lacking. I'm not trying to pick myself apart. I know that with practice, with reading, and with even more practice, I'll get to where I need to be. I need to continue to have faith. A couple weeks ago, I went home to New Orleans for practice photo sessions with some friends and family. Some of them were terrible, and others were beyond wonderful. I'll get there. Just like with weight loss. If I can focus, if I have faith, if I put in the hard work, I will reap the rewards.

I know that I need to find things to inspire me again, to keep me working toward my ultimate goal of wonderful health. I can see myself heading back to Weight Watchers in the near future. As much as I want to just lose weight without having to count calories or points, it isn't happening, nor will it ever. I need to be much more accountable for my actions. I know that Weight Watchers is a tool, and that I am NOT weak for needing it. TJ isn't weak. Sheryl isn't weak. These women inspire me every day and they both got to where they are now by seeking out the help they needed. Weight Watchers was a wonderful thing in my life when I actually counted points. I was delusional to think I could do this on my own. Preposterous to think that being a Weight Watchers member is somehow weak.

Please, learn from me. It's okay to need help.

I'm ready for this next chapter in my weight loss journey to start. I hope you all are going to stay with me for the ride. I know I can't do this without the love and support I've been shown thus far in my journey.

2011-08-05T13:02:00.002-04:00

I know I've not been a very good blogger as of late. There are many reasons for this, but one is blaringly obvious to me. I'm not enjoying it anymore. I got it in my head that I wanted to make some money from my blog, become the next up and coming popular blogger. I felt like I had to write daily, I had to report good things. But that got tiring fast. Another thing that has caused me to shy away from blogging is that I'm just not into reporting "I ate this many calories today" or "I lost this amount of weight this week." That's not who I am and it gets dull quickly if I'm writing that way day after day. My plan is to not worry about numbers anymore, not worry about what others expect from my blog, to just be me. To write the things I love. Not just about weight loss either. My struggle with food is just a small bit of my life. With all that said, I will end this, for today. I'm excited to be freed from the chains of page view worries and not losing a substantial amount of weight. I'm a blogger who is trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I don't want to feel like a failure for not losing the pounds. I'm more focused on adding in healthy habits that will stick and work with my life. So here's to the next leg of my blogging life!

Life Happened and It's So Good

2011-07-27T02:14:00.000-04:00

As much as I wish I could tell you that I've been totally on plan, I can't. And honestly? I'm okay with that. Life happened. I'm living it! My husband and I sit down weekly and plan out our meals, whether we'll eat out that week (most of the time, we don't), and what we'll snack on. I have to say that not counting points, calories and fat has been my saving grace. I make healthy meals, and stick to one serving. I bulk up with veggies on the side. I'm just following what we've laid out, and you guys, this has been working for me! I've lost a pound or more per week since we got home from vacation.

More than ever before, I am beyond stressed out. Work hasn't been great and that has caused a lot of financial burden. I still battle working through my emotions rather than stuffing them down. I'm getting better and better at it, too. And I guess it really helps to not have extra food in the house that I'll end up binging on in a time of stress.

I'm incredibly happy with these things, but the most stressing/exciting part of it all is that I'm finally following my dream. I've been passionate about photography for quite a while now, but like everything else in my life, I never thought I could do it, I never thought I had what it takes. But you know what? I can do whatever I set my mind to! Right now, that includes updating my portfolio and cementing everything I already knew, and learning everything else that there is to know about my chosen career path. I CAN be a photographer, a damn great one, too. I feel the same way about everything in my life right now. I CAN lose weight, and I will and am currently doing it. Right now, life is good. I'm on top of the world, and I really hope to stay there!

Donut-ish Mini Muffins!

2011-07-21T23:15:00.001-04:00

When I saw the photos for these, I had to have them. HAD. TO. I proceeded to drool for a few hours until my husband got home, and then showed him the photos. What happened then was that all hell broke loose! We tore to the kitchen and whipped up a batch of them really quickly. The result? Divine! One bite of these lovely muffins brought us back to Pier 39 at Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco. When we lived in California, we frequented the City by the Bay. It was (and still is) one of our favorite places! The first time we visited the city, we walked hand in hand onto the wooden pathway toward Pier 39 and the smell of something sweet wafted toward us. We followed our noses and it brought us to this little cart, this wonderful cart with freshly fried mini donuts tossed in cinnamon sugar. Every single time we went to the city, even if it was out of our way, we would get a couple orders of those warm, sweet donuts. More recently, however, we've made sure to steer away from the pier and the sugary sweet smell. I know those little babies must be full of fat, sugar, and simple carbs!

My husband and I pretty much destroyed the pan of 12 (full size muffins) within a few hours. Shameful, I know. I wasn't sure of the calories of the original, but we both agreed to try them again this week as minis. I also cut back the calories and fat with a simple substitution. I think we did a wonderful job. I replaced the oil with applesauce and instead of all white flour, I replaced some of it with whole wheat pastry flour to bump up the nutrition. Make these and enjoy the glorious taste of Pier 39!

Donut-ish Mini Muffins
adapted from Tasty Kitchen
serves 10, 3 mini muffins per serving
cals: 188.5; fat: 2g; carbs: 40g; fiber: 2g; protein: 4g
PointsPlus: 5; Old Points: 4

1 cup all purpose flour
3/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1.5 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg
3/4 cup 1% milk

For the topping:
1/3 cup sugar
1 tbsp cinnamon
2 tbsp I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, melted

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine flour, baking soda, salt, nutmeg, and cinnamon in a large bowl. Combine the applesauce, sugar, egg, and milk in a small bowl.

2. Add the wet ingredients into the dry, and stir until just combined.

3. Spray a mini muffin pan with non stick spray and drop batter by the tablespoon into each cup. Bake for 13 minutes.

4. For the topping, combine the sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl.

5. Let the muffins cool slightly before brushing them with butter and then rolling them lightly in the cinnamon sugar mixture.

6. Enjoy warm or room temperature.

Biking with Fear

2011-07-18T00:02:00.000-04:00

I have a problem.

I'm terrified to hop back on a bicycle.

This fear is new. This fear is real. I am so scared to get out there and onto the streets of San Antonio again. This fear was not present. Not until the evening of June 17. My husband and I were riding in the city for a while that afternoon and evening, enjoying the sights of the city we so love and waiting for the time that we would head on over to our favorite hangout spot to catch up with Kelly & her husband, Chuck. I remember the night so vividly, the air hung around us, hot and sticky. It was uncomfortable, but the awesome company of friends was worth it! After more than a few laughs, Kelly & Chuck decided to part, and we rode with them to see the amazing bed and breakfast they were staying in. After a few more chuckles, a big hug, and good nights, we left. Kelly shouted at us into the darkness to be careful, and with that we were off. Now this is where things got a little dicey. The road that our favorite bike station is on is a sometimes busy four lane street. Mostly, like the night of June 17, it is pretty empty and easy to turn on. We got to the area of the road where we needed to turn left into the parking lot. We got into the left lane of our side of the road to wait for the four cars incoming on the other side of the street. But I could hear a small buzz, and it was becoming louder and louder. I looked behind me and in the distance, I saw two headlights. The car was ZOOMING toward me, with no indication that the driver was slowing down. I could do nothing but stand there, paralyzed with fear as the car came to a screeching halt behind me. A red sports car blasting their bass. In that split second, my legs turned to jelly and the last oncoming car inched passed me. I hurriedly crossed the street into the parking lot, shaking, scared, emotional. I thought that I was going to be seriously injured that night, or worse, dead. I do remember shouting quite a few profanities at the driver and flipped him the finger. My fear turned into anger, and I wish I had had the sense to take down his license plate number so I could report him to the police. He was going WAY over the speed limit. We were doing the right thing, we were signaling that we were turning left, we had lights on our bikes and reflectors on our helmets. I've tried to put this at the back of my mind, but it always seems to come back to me. Then, to solidify my fear further, a few days later, I read about a woman in Mississippi who had been run over while biking. She was not so lucky. She survived, but she has a long road of recovery before her. This shook me further.

I didn't intend for this to become a rant or lecture about bike safety, but I feel that it is incredibly appropriate now. Please, when you are driving, share the road. Bikers, motorcyclists, pedestrians, and runners all use the same roads that you do. Pay attention at all times. One millisecond of distraction from a motorist could cost an innocent person their life. It can cause pain and destruction in the lives of their loved ones. It scares me immensely to think that it could have been me to get killed while biking, one of my favorite things to do. It terrifies me that every time my sweet husband and me get on bikes, an accident could happen that could kill one of us and destroy the other person's life. Please, please, I beg of you, PAY ATTENTION when you are driving.

I'm trying to overcome that fear right now. I'm trying to get back on the bike. I know that it is the most healthy and fun exercise that my husband and me can do together. Luckily, I saw a post on the BCycle Facebook page about the guy who is the leader right now in miles ridden on the BCycle. His name is Roberto and it is now my goal to get up there with him. He's way passed a thousand miles ridden since March. I'm at 128. It'll take a lot of hard work, thousands of burned calories, gallons of cold water, and pounds of sweat in the sweltering heat of Texas summer, but I have my mind set to this. I want to be the leader! I'm refusing to let fear hold me back from this goal.

My first goal is to surpass the #10 position and make it onto the leaderboard!

My stats as of 7/17/11

I'll be posting weekly with updates about my progress. This is going to do wonders for my weight loss! If I can never pass him, then I will always be trying to do so. And if I can pass him and become the leader, well, I'll always be trying to be in that top position. Either way, I'll have to bike, bike, bike!

Avocado Egg Salad

2011-07-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

After a long vacation in which we ate out for most meals, my husband and me were completely ready for some healthy meals here at home. Neither of us really wanted to cook, though. We were tired! So our first night home, we ate out. We weren't happy about it either. As I ate, I was catching up on blogs in my Google Reader when I stumbled upon Pioneer Woman's Avocado Egg Salad. Bingo! An easy meal, and one that could easily be made healthy! So the next night, we boiled some eggs and whipped up this delicious egg salad and enjoyed it for dinner and lunch the next day.

Avocado Egg Salad
serves 4
adapted from Pioneer Woman Cooks
158 calories; 11 g fat; 5 g carbs; 10 g protein; 3 g fiber
Old points: 3; PointsPlus: 4

8 hard boiled eggs, 6 of them without yolk, two of them with yolk
1 Hass avocado
2 tbsp light mayo
1.5 tsp red wine vinegar (any vinegar will do)
salt and pepper, to taste

1. Finely chop all of the eggs and avocado to your desired size. Transfer to a medium bowl and add in the rest of the ingredients. Stir until well combined. (Pioneer Woman did this all in her food processor. Mine is on the fritz right now, so I just had to do it the ol' fashioned way)

2. Serve. I followed Ree's advice and put it on bread with a thick slice of tomato. I also put a good bit of yellow mustard. Make sure to adjust your points for your bread and condiments that you add!

The Good Life

2011-06-15T03:01:00.001-04:00

Since moving to San Antonio, we have had quite a few visitors. You'd think that we were celebrities or something. I guess we live in a place that has something for everyone, that people love. And who could blame them? We love our city, too. Like, more than we ever thought possible. Us, the anti-Texan Beelers. We love the heat, we love the history, we love the culture. We. love. this. city. I can't even stress it enough. All of that really was to say this, as much as we love our city, we love having people visit us in it more! There is something about sharing our home with great friends and family that makes me heart soar with happiness. My biggest dream as a child was to have a big, happy family in an open, warm place to live where everyone felt welcome. The open, warm home part has finally come true for us! And the big, happy family part? We're working on it! ;) So when someone calls/texts/messages me that they are thinking about visiting us here in San Antonio, Rob and me both get really excited! We have some major love for this city, and we are all too happy to share it with others. A couple weeks ago, we were beyond ecstatic to have our mutual best friend staying in our home for a week. It was his first time visiting San Antonio and I knew the perfect way for him to get acquainted with the place we so adore! I'll give you guys one guess as to what that would be...

BIKING, but of course! Seriously, this was Ben's very first morning with us, and I had him out at 9 a.m. pedaling down the streets and paths, challenging him to keep up with my quick pace. I felt like a biking expert as I explained to him when to change gears and how to ride with traffic safely.

He was impressed at my biking/photographing skillz. Our first ride wasn't very long at all, maybe 20 minutes or so, but I could tell that he was really enjoying the activity. In the past when he's visited us, we've been incredibly sedentary and underwhelmed with the place we lived (Tampa, FL).

We walked for a bit around the area that houses the B-Cycle station, taking in all the beauty and eccentricity of the neighborhood and nature surrounding us. We're always trying to push Ben to escape his small town life in the nowhere Cajun town that he and I became friends in. As we walked, he told me that he could picture himself here someday. Living in the same town as the person who is like a brother to me and my husband would be amazing. Neither of us have family around, and it would be so nice to have someone so close to us here. We talked more, both describing our upcoming goals and dreams for our lives. Since we (me, Rob, and Ben) are so similar, we were not surprised to learn that we were on similar paths.

We had a nice lunch at a Greek restaurant that day. I took note of what Ben ordered which was a significantly better choice than I had made. As I'm sure you can see in the photos, Ben is a thin guy. But that hasn't always been the case. In the last year, he's dropped 65 or so pounds. He eats better quality food and his meals are always an appropriate portion. Miles different than the larger portions I can shovel away. Ben is an inspiration. He wanted to lose weight, so he did. I can totally respect that. I am definitely inspired and proud of him!

Later that same day, my sweetie got home from work and met Ben and me at the house. We headed back out into the heat and got a few bikes as the sun started to cast a it's golden warmth about the town, encapsulating everything in it path with an orangey yellow glow. Oh, how I adore the beauty of that time of day!

There were many shared laughs that evening, happiness surrounding the three of us as we explored a city still unknown to Ben. The glimpse of what it would be like to have him live closer to us was so great! We really miss having friends. Why is it so hard to make friends when you are an adult?! Well, the few we do have, they are pretty wonderful!

Want to know something great? Even if Ben doesn't move here, he is only 6 hours away. That's not too far at all!

And best of all?

We always have each other. Rob, my best friend, the person I love the most in the world, the man I celebrated 4 years of marriage with the same week we were having a blast with Ben (who just so happened to be his best man). I need nothing more than the unconditional love and adoration that we share. My love. My Rob.

Life is so good.

Hear Me Roar

2011-06-14T01:28:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we long for something so much that it hurts. That our heart aches for that in which we covet. But how often are we willing to put in the work to get what we want? For me, the answer always seems to be "not too often." Yes, I want to start my own photography company, but no, I'm not willing to put the work into building my client base and taking classes. Yes, I want to cook more, blog more, bake more, decorate more, but no, I don't want to make a schedule and stick to it. Yes, I want to have a baby so much that it hurts my heart, but no, I can't commit to a weight loss program and lose the weight that is needed. When did I get to be this way? Always wanting but never willing to work for it. That's the biggest thing I've been working on this year. I want to be known as a hard worker, as a woman who can do anything that she wants bad enough, the woman who let's nothing stand in her way. I'm tired of being weak and lazy. That is not who I really am.

Look, I know that this is only my second day on plan, that I've failed at weight loss more times than there are fingers on my hands. I know that I've said something clicked, that this time was different many many times. And I don't want to call myself a liar because all those times I said those things, they were true. And this time, it is once again my truth. Except now, I have more self awareness than ever before. I know my patterns, I know my triggers, and I absolutely know that this time, this new start, will be different. There will be no more falling back behind the starting line. Because I WANT this and I intend on putting in the extremely hard work to getting it. And everything else I want. I've never felt stronger or more confident than I do right now. I am Ashley, hear me roar!

It Feels Right

2011-06-12T23:17:00.001-04:00

On September 19, 2010, I hit rock bottom. I realized that I needed to change right then and there. That's the day that I joined Weight Watchers. I felt like there was no looking back. Then, a month later, we went on vacation and I gave myself permission to go off plan. The results? Heartburn, an uncomfortably full belly, bloat, and self hatred. On the plane home, I hit further than rock bottom. My seat belt would not buckle. I was horrified. The man sitting on the other side of my husband looked on disapprovingly as I struggled to buckle that belt with hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I realized that I needed to change right then and there. That's the day I recommitted to Weight Watchers. As the weeks went on, I slipped up here and there, but I always got right back on track. Then Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year's Eve happened. The results? Weight gain, fear of the new Points Plus system, hesitation, and self hatred. For the new year, I promised myself that I would get healthy once and for all. I committed to Points Plus only to find that it was not the program for me. I didn't like it. I quit. The results? Failure, fear, feeling lost, and the ever familiar self hatred.

So there I was, no plan, no weight loss, sitting there at the starting line still. I wracked my brain for weeks and weeks and weeks, thinking about my options, wondering when I would be able to commit to something and lose this weight. What was I going to do? Then it hit me. I needed to do what worked for me before. What worked for me when I let it. But what was it? The answer hit me like a ton of bricks. It was almost TOO easy to have missed all this time. The answer is the old Weight Watchers program, the one I started on. No, I wasn't always perfect with my eating when I was on the program, but I had direction and I LOVED it. I successfully lost weight. Being on the program brought balance to my diet, it made me eat more purposefully, it made me savor each bite, and it made me appreciate those once weekly decadent treats that much more. It brought me contentment and happiness and knowledge about my relationship and behavior with food. It brought me awareness and HOPE. I'm ready to be back in that place. In September, on my one year Weight Watchers anniversary, I want to be well on my way to my goal weight. I want to look and feel healthy. I want to be wearing a smaller size and not be constantly worrying about fitting on a roller coaster or airplane seat belt. I know that being thin will not bring me happiness alone, but the act of working toward a goal and conquering it will. It will bring me higher self esteem. It will bring me health. It will hopefully bring me a pregnant belly and healthy babies. I know I will mess up every now and then, that there will be hurdles to conquer on this journey. I am ready for the struggles, I'm ready to leap over those hurdles and into smaller jeans! I am not perfect and I'm okay with that. I've messed up time and time again, but what I've yet to do is give up. I am going to fight this fight and I will NEVER EVER give up on my goal and my dream of a shapelier, healthier me!

So, I guess I'm a Weight Watcher again. That feels really good; it feels right.

I Miss You!

2011-06-08T23:48:00.000-04:00

There have been many ideas bouncing around in my head these days, many blog posts I want to write and share, many new experiences I've had in the past weeks, lots of fun I want to let you all in on... But all of that has been overshadowed by my need to work, work, work! This summer has already been quite crazy for my husband and me, and it is looking like it will continue to be that way. These next two weeks will be spent glued to my desk and computer, everything else will be put on hold while mamma works hard to bring home her share of the bacon! I'm definitely going to try to fit blogging into that schedule, I promise! I miss you all!!!

A New Friend!

2011-05-31T23:36:00.002-04:00

The absolute best thing about blogging for me is the friendships I've made. I love getting to know so many diverse people in so many states and walks of life. I love getting to know a person and walking in their shoes while reading their blogs. But mostly, I absolutely and utterly adore being able to meet you wonderful people in person! And that's exactly what I got to do this weekend.

There have been a few bloggers out there who have been with me from the start. The blogger that I met on Sunday is one of those special few! I could get all sappy here, I could tell you that I feel like she has always been a good friend, that she never loses faith in my ability to lose weight, that she supports me like a friend or family member would. Instead, however, I am going to sum her up in word word: amazing! She and her family made me feel right at home, and conversation flowed easily. They didn't even judge me when I got a little tipsy and giggly after one margarita! There are so many bad people out there in the world, people filled with so much negativity, so much hate, so much judgment. But not Kelly and her sweet family. They are some wonderful people, and when I imagine what it will be like when Rob and me have children, and I can honestly say that what I see in them is what I see for us. I could tell that they all love and respect each other, and I'm so pleased to be able to call them my friends!

So thank you Kelly, Chuck, Rachael, and Charlie! I had so much fun getting to know you all. Can't wait to do it again!

You can read Kelly's blog about her weekend in San Antonio here.

A Quick Update!

2011-05-26T00:50:00.000-04:00

Oh. My. Goodness! Boy, has time really gotten away from me! What have I missed here in blogland?! In real life, I have been quite busy with work and prepping our home for a couple houseguests who will be here next week. There has been tons of stuff to do and not much to report on the weight loss front. We're still getting on our bikes 3-4 times a week for an hour or two each session and are really becoming familiar with our beautiful city. Also, I've lost three pounds in the last week! Partially because of biking and partially because I have really started watching what I eat. After I cancelled my membership with Weight Watchers, I sort of went crazy with my eating. I got up to 275, just two pounds lower than the weight I was when I started WW in September 2010, and that really woke me up. I've been making sure that my portions are smaller and that I'm not snacking on junky food throughout the day. I don't want the scale creeping back up on me again, that's for sure. I worked really hard to lose 11 pounds and I had hoped to continue that downward trend. Now that I'm back to watching my food intake, drinking water all day, and replacing processed foods with whole foods (fruits, veggies), and now that I'm exercising at least three times a week on the bike, I am confident in my ability to lose what I gained back and a whole lot more! I want to get back to writing down everything I put in my mouth and my weekly weigh ins.

I'm hoping that once work settles down a bit, the blogging bug will come back to me. I miss it and I miss all of you!

Biking My Way to Health

2011-05-15T10:18:00.000-04:00

Exercise is, well, it's something that I've had a really hard time with. Like, really hard. I always start a new workout program with the absolute best of intentions. But I always get bored with the same ol' thing. Enter B Cycle San Antonio. This is an incredible program where San Antonians and tourists can rent a bike, for a nominal fee (either 24 hours or annual pass), for 30 minutes at a time. This may not seem like a lot of time, but since there are many different stations around the city, it is actually very wonderful for those of us who can't afford a bike. In addition to all of this, there is no limit to how many times you can take out a bike between their hours of operation. With the swipe of a card and the snap of a helmet, we're off on an adventure! Last night, a but around sunset, my husband and me did just that! I took some video of myself biking (a la the utterly fab Ms. Bitchcakes) but my skills were less than stellar. I had a hard time controlling the bike and my iPhone, and I rambled on and on about the B Cycle program without telling everything, so I apologize. Anyway, here are the videos... almost through video one, the alarm on my phone went off and cut out my video, so video 2 is the wrap up of video 1.

At the end of our ride, we came home and logged into the site to see our mileage. There is a GPS installed in the bikes, so I know that I rode 7 miles in 48 minutes on the bike (checked out twice). That's about 396 calories burned that I wouldn't have otherwise! Sweeet!

I know that having these bikes are going to play a big part in my weight loss this year! Sure, after 48 minutes, I felt like puking, but I also enjoyed every single minute on that bicycle. I LOVE cycling!

Has anyone else out there used B Cycle? How do you like it?

Oh, Facebook.

2011-05-12T00:59:00.000-04:00

I'm am so sorry for my absence these past few days, but boy have I been busy! I've been working a ton, doing lots of fun, active things with my husband and friends, and anytime there is a free second, my nose is shoved into yet another conception/pregnancy/pregnancy diet book. I am trying to be as prepared as possible when I finally do have a little pea in my belly! I've really been slacking with the formal workouts lately, in fact, I've restarted my walking/strength training routines twice already! Shameful, I know, but the good news is that I've been substituting that with a lot of physical activity, especially walking! What can I say? There is a lot to do and see in our fair city and doing it by foot is the best way!

On another note, yesterday, while waiting for my husband to finish sudsing up our car at the car wash, I posted something on Facebook. It was a simple status, one stating that my husband and me were contemplating what we should do with the rest of our day. The reply I got back was... strange? intrusive? Oh, I don't really know, but in it, it was said that my husband and me should go home and make a "friend" for her children to play with. I've encountered this before many many times. Rob and I have been married for nearly four years, and from the second he slipped the ring on my finger, we were expected to become pregnant. I think if we did the deed right there in front of our wedding guests on the altar after being pronounced husband and wife, they would have cheered us on because when you're married, you MUST have a baby, right then, right now. Now. Now. Now.

Anyway, to this friend, I simply stated that my husband and I were happy with being married, and spending time together with just the two of us. I said that someday, we'd have a kid or two but for now, we aren't in a rush. Y'know, although I AM in a rush, and I DO want to be pregnant right now. But she doesn't need to know any of that. I've chosen the people who I'd like to share my conception stories with, and she is DEFINITELY not one of them. In fact, most people think we're just waiting a few more years to have children. They need not know anything more than that. I just don't need that added pressure. To my reply to hers, she said that I needed to get started before I'm too old. Before I'm too old. To me, that crossed the line. It absolutely positively crossed the line. I'm 26 years old, for God's sake! As in, mid twenties. There are four more years until I reach my thirties, and even more before it'd be unsafe for me to conceive a child! People have absolutely no filter. People have been pushing me to have a baby without realizing that maybe my weight would make it difficult to get pregnant. Without caring about MY feelings on the matter.

My response to her insensitive, over the line comment: I'm 26. How is that too old?

What I wish I would have said: F--k you.

What I'll say next time: I'm not sure yet. But probably something snarky and awesome and witty. Because that's just how I roll!

Are there pushy, nosy people in your life? Tell me about it!

Fun & Adventure

2011-05-07T14:11:00.002-04:00

Moving to San Antonio has been a major turning point in my life. My husband and I haven't been as active as we've been in these last two months since we first met back in August 2005. These short months have been filled with much laughter and richness. We've said hello to old friends who live nearby, we've said goodbye to another. My parents have been here. Our summer calendar is filling up in a very big way. We're LIVING. And I'm filled to the brim with happiness about it all!

This past weekend, Wednesday & Thursday for us, we took two wonderful, different day trips. The first one was to Fredericksburg, TX, a town rich with history. A town where strangers greet you on the street with a big, friendly smile, where the Texas sky is endlessly blue, and cowboy hats adorn every head.

We walked, we talked, we drank it all in. We imagined what it must have been like in the 1800s, before the modern conveniences of the present. We could see the dirt road, the horse and carriages, the unity of a thriving new community working together. At the end of the day, we only realized the amount we must have walked because our feet were aching, our legs were tired. But our minds were alive, our smiles were broad, and our love was strong. There was ice cream, yes, but a proper portion. There was taste testing at the gourmet food store. Oh, the samples. They were heavenly! But there was no food obsession, no thinking about my next meal, no thinking about what I wanted to eat. My belly was full. Of happiness. Of life

Thursday morning, we headed to what is now one of our absolute favorite cities, Austin, TX. There is so much vibrancy in that city, in the people and the buildings. There are folks from all walks of life with so many different talents, so many facets of humanity.

We met up with an old friend.

A friend who reminded me of who I was back in 2005 when we worked together at Walt Disney World. She told me about myself, how my confidence drew her in. I had the confidence of 10 people back in 2005. I knew who I was then and what I wanted out of life. And stuffing myself full of food wasn't on the list. Feeling numb and emotionless wasn't on it either. I wanted to LIVE! To experience all that life had to offer. And after another day of walking, talking, reflecting, and looking to the future, I think I did that! I lived life. I was spontaneous with the man who I share life with and a girl I can most certainly still call one of my best friends.

This is love.

This is life.

This is happy.

And this is Ashley. Full of adventure, confidence, courage, and ZEST for life. And also, George is there, too :)

My Rain Cloud

2011-05-04T06:30:00.001-04:00

Since my mom and dad walked into my house a couple weeks ago, the same old feelings of not being good enough has hung over my head like my own personal rain cloud. There have been moments in these last few weeks where I've been able to diminish that little cloud, to make it go away completely. But truthfully, this week and last has been very very hard on me. Aside from my mother, work has been awful to say the least. There have been a couple of mess-ups done by me that has left me feeling stupid, angry, and upset with both myself and my employer. I know that I am beyond competent enough to be employed with this company, but since I am a freelancer and work from home, I have not much contact with them. This has proven to be problematic these last few weeks because I feel the need to explain myself. The mistakes I have made were very minor and not completely my fault. Anyway, I can't go into too much detail, but needless to say, this has been destroying me. I feel like my well being is hanging on a very thin thread.

There is a pattern here. I work really hard and do my best at a project, a relationship, a job, a lifestyle change and at first, things always work out well. I'm proud of my actions and finally feel like a normal human being, like a hard worker. But then something always comes along to destroy that for me. Today, it came with the realization that I made an easy-to-make mistake at work. Last week was the same. The weekend before that, it was that I wasn't "healthy" enough for my mom, I didn't do things the right way in her eyes. And what I'm left with is a shattered Ashley, trying to pick up the pieces and salvage what little self esteem is left over. This is no way to live life. And now that I'm not using food to medicate, to stuff my feelings down, things have been significantly harder. I'm letting my feelings come up and I'm attacking them head on. And there have been so many tears. A river's worth of tears. It's hard to allow myself to be vulnerable and appear weak. But I would much rather that, the swollen tearful eyes, rather than the swollen fat features of a woman who uses food in a way it was not meant to be used. Food is not love, or medicine, or stress relief. Food is energy. And I have enough of that right now.

I need to remember that this job is only temporary. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to work with people who are trying to change their lives, to become healthy, to lose weight. I want to be a personal trainer and a fitness instructor. And I know that with much physical and mental work, I can achieve that dream. The mistakes that I make do not define me. The way I choose to live, love, and the person that I am does. So yes, I made a mistake. But I also worked very hard to make the money that we need to catch up with our finances. And even more, I'm working extremely hard this pay period as well. And even one more step further, I am working out, running on the treadmill, KNOWING that I can succeed in my goals of weight loss and physical fitness. Those are major achievements that I should be proud of.

Right now, I choose to lie down in bed and feel these feelings, to reflect upon them, and to hopefully find some clarity and acceptance in my mistakes. I am not perfect. I am Ashley. I am perfect just the way I am, imperfections and all.

Back on Track

2011-05-03T06:30:00.002-04:00

For weeks now, I've sort of been coasting along with this whole weight loss lifestyle. Truth is, I've actually been doing fairly well with eating intuitively and with reason. I haven't been eating my feelings, and I haven't been eating out of boredom. I visited the library a few days ago and came home with about 13-15 books about health and pregnancy. The first thing I read was Women, Food, and God and I found myself nodding in agreement to everything in the book. It was the first step in getting my eyes opened to my actions. Food is not medication, and I absolutely refuse to use it that way again. Ever. I've also started reading pregnancy nutrition books. Things are so real now, and I want my body to be filled with only the BEST nutrients for my (hopefully) soon to be baby. I'm working on cutting out all processed foods, processed lunch meats, and sugar in all forms. Sugar is the hardest thing for me to give up. I never realized how much sugar I ate. A teaspoon here, two there, some in this food, and more in that one. I just want to have these healthy habits in place so when I do get pregnant, I won't have to struggle to give up what I love. What a journey this will be!

In addition to eating really well, I've started a workout plan. Among the books I've checked out at the library, I have Smart Girls Do Dumbells.

I found myself skimming over the introduction and scientific descriptions of what muscles are and how they work because I already know most of it. What I love about the book is that she provides a 30 day strength training plan to get you started.

Also, I've finally started my 5K training plan from Weight Watchers.

I am trying to keep track of how many miles I've gone each session. Today, I went 0.47 miles in 10 minutes. I was incredibly pleased with myself because I ran for the better part of my 10 minutes. The pace was at 3.0, and I know that it isn't the best, but I am a beginner, after all! I can't wait to continue with this plan and improve upon my time. I'm so ready to finally complete a goal I set for myself! These workout plans will help me get to where I want and need to be.

Hoorah for being back on plan!

Now or Never

2011-04-29T06:30:00.000-04:00

After a long weekend with my parents last Thursday through Monday, I realized that it's now or never. I need to jump now off this ledge, right here, right now, or just walk away. All I know is that I'm not done fighting. I will NEVER be done fighting.

It's time to let go of the past and realize that those things that happened to me, the teasing, the not feeling good enough, the feeling of lovelessness and loneliness, that is all in the past. I am a strong woman now. A woman who is loved by many, but most of all, is loved by herself. It's time to start treating myself with the kindness and love that I feel on the inside so it can be reflected on the outside. Life is not over for me because I had a lonely childhood. In fact, I feel like life is just starting for me! I can go forward now with the knowledge that I am happy with who I am. I don't need anyone else to love me. I can lean on myself to get me through the tough times. I am strong enough to do this now. I'm not some helpless child anymore. It is so wonderful to know that there are others out there to lift me up. There are other outlets to express my feelings, whether they be happiness, sadness, anger, anguish, loneliness, whatever. I have my blog, my friends, my journal, my family, and most importantly, I have the unconditional love of a man who I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined would be mine.

I'm done with letting food control me. I need it to live, for energy. And I need it to get healthy for my present, and future. The junk food will always be there, and I know there are times when I will choose it. But right now, I'm choosing to take control of my own emotions. I'm not letting food drive me anymore. Food, you are NOT my crutch any longer.

I've said this, oh I don't know, a MILLION times on this blog, but I'll say it again. I WANT TO BE A MOMMY. And I want to be the healthiest, happiest mommy that I can be. So that's exactly what I'll do!

My Parents Are Here

2011-04-23T06:30:00.003-04:00

So.

My parents are here.

At my house.

And my dad bought this.

And this.

And Peeps.

Boxes and boxes of them.

Um, yeah. Maybe that'll give you some insight as to what I was brought up eating. Our pantry was the land of Little Debbie, our fridge was the mountain of soda, and we were drowning in a sea of white starches and canned vegetables.

I'm struggling, y'all. There's so much tempting food in our house, so much that I just want to eat and eat and eat. The good foods that my husband and I just don't buy. Because I lose.my.mind. around that kind of food. I can't control it. It's too good to just eat one. So why is that? I just don't know right now, but I'm really trying to figure it out.

My mom keeps talking about nutrition and me losing weight, she keeps saying how she doesn't care if I'm fat or skinny, she just wants me to lose weight to be healthy. What the hell does that even mean? She just wants to be right all the time, to have an opinion. The irony of all of this is that she is much more unhealthy than I am. I work out 2-3 times a week. I eat REAL food, healthy food. Do you want to know what her meals consist of?

Slim-Fast. And sugary coffee. And for God's sake, mutha freaking Reese's peanut butter cups. It's insane. She had gastric bypass surgery a couple years ago, and ugh. There is way too much to this story. Needless to say, I'm walking on eggshells. In my own house. And I love my mom with all my heart, and I adore my dad, but they're here til Monday, and I'm already ready for them to leave. My mom is sick, physically and mentally, and I'm trying to remember to be kind and understanding and gentle with her. But it's so hard. And I'm completely stressing. And now there are oreos and ice cream in my house.

I'm pretty sure my head just exploded.

My Biggest Fear

2011-04-20T06:00:00.001-04:00

I feel like I'm never going to have the family I've always wanted. I feel like my fairytale dream of mommyhood, of baking cookies with my sweet girls, of playing tag with my dirty boys, is just that, a fairytale. My husband and I really want to start trying for baby number one, but selfishly, I can't seem to get myself on track to lose weight. I'm just so scared that this dream of having babies will never ever come true. I mean, all of my dreams have come true. I have a close to perfect marriage with the most amazing man on earth. I'm happy almost every day. I truly enjoy life with him by my side. The only problem is that I don't think I deserve much more than that. That maybe I am not meant to have any more of my dreams fulfilled. I feel like though I love and adore kids, I am not worthy to have such a beautiful blessing, motherhood, in my life. I feel unworthy of weight loss as well, that I will always fail at my attempts to lose because I have enough goodness in my life and I don't deserve for ALL of my dreams to come true. I mean, this is real life, not la la land. So many people are getting crushed daily, and here I am in my bubble of dreams come true. Other people deserve goodness, too, and maybe there isn't enough to go around. There are so many days where I don't feel like this, where I know that I can make anything happen with enough hard work and dedication, where my self esteem is through the roof. But days like this really affect me. The feelings catch me off guard, they slink in when I'm least expecting it. And they stay. They make themselves at home for a while. Then the heavy questions really start floating around in my head. The worst on of all is what if I finally lose weight, we try for a baby, and I just can't become pregnant? Infertility would absolutely destroy me. Of course, I don't know if I am infertile, this is just a major fear of mine. I've been with my husband for 5 years now, and many of my friends have gotten pregnant within months of dating their significant other. This terrifies me. If their birth control could fail them so easily in a few months, then why, after 5 years, did ours never fail us?

I don't know where to go from here with these thoughts and (irrational?) fears. I guess that the best thing that I can do is keep my focus on being healthy and losing weight right now. There are so many roadblocks on my journey, and this seems like one of the harder ones to cross. I know that anticipating and worrying about infertility is foolish. Stressing about it will probably only make it harder on my body when baby making time finally does come.

I know that this seems like it is coming from way out of left field, but I thought that this issue may be one that is seriously hindering me from moving forward along my path towards good health and weight loss. I need a few kind words right now. Words of wisdom. Words of encouragement. Someone to lean on. I know that a lot of you out there are already mommies, or are in the same boat as me with trying to get healthy for pregnancy. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Do any of you feel like this or have felt like this at some point? Please tell me that I am not alone.

I know that tomorrow, I'll feel better. I know that right now, I'm just feeling the all too familiar sting of envy about my very pregnant childhood friend who is going to have her first baby, a tiny little lady, in the next few weeks. I know (HOPE) that I will soon have my turn. That I'll soon know what it's like to carry a little life within me. Right now, though, my soul is aching just a bit. I'm going to allow myself to feel these feelings rather than stuff them down. I'm going strive to remember the goodness and love in my life, and I'm going to be content and happy in the wonderful blessings that I do have.

Oh, Prom!

2011-04-19T15:37:00.002-04:00

I noticed today that one of my favorite bloggers (Kelly @ Happy Texans) posted her prom photos. This got me thinking about my own senior prom. It's been almost exactly 7 year since prom (April 21, 2004). Oh, man, I still remember it like it was yesterday. Seriously, where the heck has the time gone?! Anyway, when prom season came around, I knew I would never find a dress that I would love. Even back in 2004, there were very few styles for plus sized ladies. I did not want to pay a ton of money for a dress anyway. Then I heard about this phenomena that was becoming more and more popular, duct tape prom outfits! I was finally starting to come out of my shell in high school at that time, so I decided to just go for it!

It took me a couple weeks to make my dress. A good friend asked me if he could take me to my prom, and I said yes. A few days later, after he found out about my dress, he backed out. My other friend came to the rescue, and was even making a jacket out of duct tape to match me, but come prom week, he had to back out as well. Grounded. I was really bummed, but decided that I would fly solo. My best gal pal also had no date, so we took our photo together. And no, her dress was NOT made out of duct tape.

Boy oh boy, was my dress a hit with my classmates! I felt like a celebrity! There were camera flashes coming from every corner, people flocking to me to take photos with me, to tell me how awesome I was for making something so unique, how cute I looked, and how impressed they were with me for having the courage to actually wear it! I fully believe that this night was the first time in my life I felt confident with just being Ashley. That has never left me. I am, after all, unapologetically me! All it took was a little duct tape and a ton of courage to figure that out!

Spring Vegetable Tart

2011-04-16T13:26:00.001-04:00

When I was looking to expand my recipe collection about a year ago, I came across a delicious looking spring vegetable tart. I was very hesitant to make this because it is hefty in PointsPlus for a small portion. These days, I'm really looking at things differently and not cutting things like this out of my diet. I savor and enjoy my portion and make this a rounded meal with a big, crisp salad.

Note: I used canned asparagus since that's all I had on hand. Also, I forgot to prick the pastry with a fork before putting it in the oven the first time, and I did it after I took it out. DON'T DO THAT! The egg leaked all over my pan, and seeped out of the tart.

Spring Vegetable Tart
adapted from Williams-Sonoma

Serves 6
Calories: 360, Fat: 22 g, Carbs: 25 g, Protein: 16 g, Fiber: 2 g
PointsPlus Value: 10

1 puff pastry sheet, thawed
15-20 asparagus spears, trimmed
1 small leek, white part only, thinly sliced and rinsed
1 cup shredded, part skim mozzarella
1/2 cup egg substitute
1/4 cup 1% milk
1/2 tsp salt
Freshly ground pepper, to taste

Prepare the pastry
Preheat an oven to 400°F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper. Roll out the puff pastry a bit and lay it on the baking sheet. Fold over the sides to make a 1-inch rim, overlapping the pastry at the corners and pressing it lightly. Inside the rim, prick the pastry all over with a fork.

Fill and bake the tart
Sprinkle half of the cheese over the bottom of the pastry inside the rim. Top with the asparagus, laying the spears vertically in a row from one side of the pastry to the other. Sprinkle the leek slices over the asparagus. Bake for 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a bowl, beat the eggs, milk, salt, and pepper until well combined. Pour the egg mixture over the asparagus and leeks and sprinkle on the remaining cheese. Bake until the pastry is puffed and golden brown, about 10 minutes longer. Let the tart stand for 10 minutes.

Cut into pieces and serve.

Where Do I Go From Here?

2011-04-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

This week, I made a really tough decision. I terminated my membership with Weight Watchers. In all honesty, I haven't been doing it. Counting points was painful to me, like pulling teeth.

I've been sort of depressed trying to figure out just how to lose weight. For now, I've planned out all of my meals (healthy) and have been striving to eat fruit/veggies throughout the day for snacks. I'm taking the weekend to really research weight loss. I'm sticking to my meal plan, and will most probably be counting calories to ensure I'm on the right track.

Now I'm off to research, calorie count, and get in some exercise. I'm on Day 4 of the WW 5K walking plan. After that, I'll probably do some Pilates to stretch out my achy back.

Have a fantastic & healthy weekend, friends.

26th Birthday Celebration

2011-04-11T06:00:00.002-04:00

If I was paid a nickel for each time I've started this blog post only to delete it, well, I'd have a quarter. It's just one of those days where there is so much to say, so many disjointed thoughts rattling around this brain of mine, but no way to organize them in a cohesive thought pattern.

Since Friday, I've been thinking about what I want from my 26th year of life. One of my biggest goals for the year is to find me, to find out who the hell I am. Growing up in my small Southern town, there wasn't much room for an eccentric, overweight kid. You could be one or the other. Unfortunately for me, I was both. For years and years of my childhood, I tried to bury the real me. I knew that no one would love the eccentric Ashley, so I tried to do whatever I could to be someone else. I wanted to be normal. But now, as a 26 year old woman who is trying to have a baby, I want to just be me. I want to celebrate the things that make me unique. I want to be comfortable and happy with myself before I have children. One of the absolute most important lessons I want to teach them will be acceptance. Acceptance of themselves, and acceptance towards others. I want them to know that who they are is good enough, that they are uniquely beautiful.

A huge goal of mine in this next year is to find out what my personal style is. I'm finding that lately, the clothing that I buy is soft and feminine. Dresses, skirts, soft blouses. I love vintage pieces, and anything that has been knitted. I would love to finally figure out how to finally put it all together. I know that a lot of this relies on weight loss. There is not a big selection for plus sized ladies in my style. Besides health and children, this is something that I try to think of when I just don't want to step foot on the treadmill, or when I want to eat an extra serving of something that I want rather than need. I want to be a healthy woman who owns her style and personality, who exudes confidence. I hate that I feel like confidence will only come once I lose weight. Most days, I am smart enough to remember that I am beautiful, that I already do have confidence. It sometimes seems fleeting, but it is there. As the scale goes down, I do get more confident with myself, in the fact that I can reach the goals I set for myself, no matter how tough.

On a lighter note, I wanted to talk about my fantastic birthday. I spent a majority of it alone, in Starbucks, pecking away on my keyboard and sipping steamy decaf. My phone was vibrating with well wishes all day, and I felt so loved as the comments, calls, messaged and good feelings flooded toward me all day. I wanted to bottle up that feeling so I could take a swig of it's sweetness throughout the year when I'm having a bad day. Before he went to work, my husband aided me in making french toast for breakfast with strawberries. His only condition to helping me make breakfast was that I was to open one gift before we started cooking. Contained in the sloppily wrapped package was an adorable apron and owl salt and pepper shakers. I was beyond excited to flip french toast in that cutie! What a delicious morning it was!

When my sweetie came home from work, we headed over to Joe's Crab Shack. I made him promise that he would NOT tell those obnoxious people it was my birthday. What a gentleman! He kept his word, and we walked out with them being none the wiser. I enjoyed his company, as I always do, and enjoyed some delicious crabs. Oh, man! They were incredible!

When we returned home, there was a super sweet, perfect little cake waiting for me...

When I blew out my candles, I thanked God for giving me this beautiful little life and then wished for a baby bump soon!

After all the gifts were opened (all of them fabulous!), the candles were blown out, and cake plates were in the sink, I decided that in my 26th year, I'm going to drink it all up. The happiness, the joy, the excitement, wonder, sorrow. It's time to really start living and enjoying the small things in my life. And that's exactly what I intend to do!

My 26th Year

2011-04-08T01:38:00.001-04:00

Today, I celebrate the first day of my 26th year! There are gifts, carefully selected and wrapped meticulously by my sweetie, on the kitchen table. There's a tiny chocolate cake waiting to be eaten with candles waiting to be lit and blown out. It's 12:30 a.m. and I am still awake. I know that there's a whole day of happiness ahead of me when I wake up later at 6:00 a.m., but right now, the only thing that matters is that I have my sweet husband sitting next to me on the bed, his eyes lit up by the glow of Mac screen. I feel his warmth and I am so happy in this moment. In 26 years, so much has happened for me, good and bad. It's made me who I am. And I like that person a lot! I'll be celebrating the last 26th and the next 26th and beyond with the person I love the most. What a perfect birthday and life this shall be.

This Is Me

2011-04-07T06:30:00.005-04:00

I go through these intense moments of wanting to do this, of wanting to lose weight, of wanting to try on clothes in a normal size. These moments overtake me, so much so that I can focus on nothing else. This is all that I've wanted since I was a kid. To be thin. But there is this switch in my brain. I can turn it off. And on those days, I'm doing great, getting in my water, eating fruit and veggies, eating appropriate portions and working out. Those are the best days. But then there are days like yesterday when the switch somehow got turned back on. I'm not sure who or what turned it on, but I let loose a bit. I had a sandwich at one of my favorite places, Earl of Sandwich, with my husband. I don't eat there often, maybe once every two-three months. I'm okay with that, because I thought, "I'll just eat light for the rest of the day." Of course that didn't work out for me. It almost never does. We continued our day at this area with a lot of little shops and eateries. And there I saw it, a frozen custard place! And oh, how I longed for the cold creaminess of it on that hot, hot Texas afternoon. I assured my husband that it would be okay for me to eat a little cone of custard there, but that damn switch. That switch was on, and the want was burning brightly. In that moment, I didn't care about the dress hanging up in my room that I want to fit into, I didn't care that I had finally started losing weight, that a couple weeks ago, I broke through a major wall. I didn't care about anything but that damn custard, the one with the gooey caramel and toasted pecans. I just had to have it, to savor it. Because that's what normal people do on a hot afternoon. You see, I'm not addicted to food, I'm addicted to wanting to be the type of person who can eat what they want and not gain a pound. I'm addicted to being a normal person. My siblings are that way. So is my dad. But not me. No, not little Ashley. And I honestly think that in the times when the switch goes back on, when I don't even fight it, I'm rebelling. I'm rebelling the fact that I have to watch everything I eat. That I have to measure out proper portions, that I have to count every calorie, that my body isn't like theirs. That I was the fat sibling. That I was the one who had a pretty face, the one who had so many "friends" but was alone every weekend, that I had a lot of boys that were friends, but I never had a boyfriend. I think I'm still angry about the whole freaking thing. My whole childhood. It isn't what I wanted for myself. I wanted to date, and have thin legs, a tiny tummy, a body that could wear a bikini. I wanted to be thin and pretty. I remember one afternoon when I was in middle school, a boy told me that I was ugly because I had a mole on my nose. When I said, "Brandi (a girl from my school) has a mole on her face that's bigger," he interrupted, saying, "but she's hot. You're fat. I would sleep with her and I wouldn't even touch you." I tried to act tough, told him to go f*ck himself, even flipped him off in a final gesture of anger, but I cried so hard on my walk home. The tears never stopped flowing. I got home with red puffy eyes that night, and avoided everyone. I knew that I wasn't good enough. And that was my life back then. No one wanted me. No one thought I was good enough. In junior year, I became really close with this guy. By the middle of the school year, I was head over heels in love with him. And he? No, he didn't love me. He hugged me, told me I was beautiful and funny, held my hand, took me on dates, even told me he wanted to marry me. But he never was my boyfriend. He never let us get there. He told me he loved me, but only showed it by sleeping around behind my back. I trusted him fully (yes, I was naive and stupid), and in senior year, at the very end, in the limo to prom, I finally confronted the girl he was sleeping with. I cried as we talked, and, here's the kicker, I forgave him. I forgave him for hurting me constantly, for making me feel like I wasn't good enough, for using me for almost two years. By summer, he had enlisted in the Army and went on his way. I prepared for college and got the hell out of that town, the town that I was never good enough for.

In college, it was the same story. I just wasn't good enough. I met this awesome guy, someone who I was very comfortable with, someone I could see myself with, someone who I grew to love. I know now that the love I felt was more of a sibling love, but he was the only guy in my life at the time. He turned me down and told me we should just stay friends. He made me mad, but looking back now, I appreciate his honesty. At the time, though, I didn't see it. And I felt horrible about myself. I guess that was the story of my life. I severed the thought that we could have a relationship, and a friendship blossomed. He became my very best friend, and I'm proud to still call him that right now, nearly seven years later. In August of 2005, everything changed for me. Ben, my best friend, and I got accepted to take part in the Disney College Program. He went two months before me, and in that time, became really close with one of his roommates. A tall, funny guy from California. A guy with sparkling blue eyes and the brightest smile. A guy that I fell in love with, a guy who adored me, loved me for ME. A charming guy who swept me off my feet, showed me what unconditional, real love was. He is my now my husband. He is my soul mate. He is my everything.

December 17, 2005

June 2, 2007

December 2010

April 3, 2011

I think that what I'm getting at with all of the above is this: Things are different now. I know that I am loved for being me. I have so much more confidence. I am encouraged in everything I want to do. With Rob by my side, I know I can fly, fly, fly until my dreams come true. There is no need for me to lean on food anymore to heal me. He can do that for me. And most importantly, he has taught me to do that for myself. I don't need to stuff down my feelings, to wish that my body was different, to wish that I could eat whatever I want and not gain weight. This is me. There is no changing the fact that my body will gain weight if I eat too much or unhealthy. This is me finally realizing that I don't need the bad food. That my body feels so much better without it. That when I'm eating for energy rather than for pleasure, when I'm filling up on lean meats and produce and healthy foods, when I'm getting on the treadmill and sweating, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am elongating and enriching my life. I'll be able to live so much longer with the man who has stolen my heart. I'll be able to have the babies we so desperately want. I'll fit into smaller clothes and be able to dress the way I want. I'll be healthy. I'll be a winner. I'll be happy in my knowledge that I can do whatever I set my mind to. And I'll still be me. And I do love me, the unperfect, mistake-making, frizzy haired me.

The Dress That Won't Zip

2011-04-05T09:42:00.001-04:00

Sometime last spring, I bought that adorable dress in the photo above. In an extra large. Needless to say, the dress is way too small. Like, it-won't-even-zip-up-halfway too small. I bought it in hopes that I would fit in it by this time this year, my birthday week. It doesn't. I couldn't find my proper tape measure, but I used a tiny one and was able to figure out that I need to lose between 3-5 inches before that baby will zip.

My newest goal is to be able to fit in that dress by the end of June (I'll elaborate on what the end of June will bring for us in tomorrow's post). I have so many clothes and underwear that are too small for me. A lot of the time, I'll buy a lower size knowing that it won't fit, but hoping that it will someday. It's a really bad habit I have. However, I'm happy to know that I will soon benefit from my bad habit. I'll definitely be thankng myself when my current panties are falling off my bum and I'm in need of the smaller (sexier) ones I bought months ago!

Today, I'm starting the six week training plan with Weight Watchers for their Walk It Challenge. This challenge will be great for me in more ways than one. The biggest way is that this will challenge me to get my butt on the treadmill 5 times a week. This week, the plan is easing those doing it into exercise. I'll be doing most of my training on my treadmill, and at the end of the six weeks, I'll be walking/running a 5K route that I planned out with my sweetie on May 22, Weight Watchers' Walk It Day!

Want to see where I'll be training? Here's my treadmill:

It is VERY basic, but it has been getting the job done. I've grown to love this old clunky thing. My mom was so nice to let us have it!

Back in February, my husband and I went to Fit Niche (it's a Florida store) to have a gait analysis and shoe fitting. I walked out with those babies (brand is Brooks). They have made a world of difference in my stamina and how I feel after walking. Who knew?! I'll have to have a post dedicated to my shoes sometime later.

Tomorrow starts the weekend for us. I can't wait to see what sort of activity we'll do. I'd love to rent a kayak one of these days. I sure do love kayaking!

Have a great day, everyone!!

Mission Exercise

2011-04-04T13:46:00.002-04:00

Since I can remember, I have had a love for writing. To me, there is something magical about putting words together, describing my feelings and thoughts. That being said, I'm finding more and more that this weight loss blog is not completely cutting it for me. I have been reading many lifestyle blogs, blogs filled with photos, recipes, and the zest of life. I want that! I've been contemplating making this blog about much more than weight loss. I have big plans for my blog and I guess the point of all of this is to ask: do you come here solely for weight loss? Would you enjoy reading about other things here in addition?

On another note, I sort of messed up this week. I haven't been counting points because like always, it has become SO mundane for me to do. I forgot to pretrack at the top of the week, so I've just been winging it. I absolutely know I've been snacking too much. That aside, though, I've been doing wonderfully with portion sizes at meals! I've come up with ground rules for myself which I think will help tremendously.

The Rules:

1. PRE-TRACK. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert.
2. The only processed food I can have is for dessert (meaning graham crackers, ice cream, and desserts I've made that are low cal/low point).
3. Natural foods only for snacks between meals. Fruits, veggies, nuts, yogurt, things like that. I'm really trying to step away from processed foods. I want my diet to consist of 90% whole foods and 10% or less processed.
4. Eat seafood or vegetarian meals 4-5 times a week. We're trying to cut down on animal protein.
5. Eat out at a restaurant once a week, fast food once a week. These meals will be pre-planned and within my point range.

For now, I am scared about my impending weigh in on April 12. I know I haven't lost much this month because of this past week. But I'm going to move on and forward from it. My body is meant to be much, much smaller.

After getting my body down to 240, my 10% goal and when hubs and me can start trying for a baby, I'm rewarding myself with something pretty. That something comes in the form of a new outfit. This new outfit:

The constant for me this week has been exercise. I've been on the treadmill for an hour twice since Tuesday. It's not the five I wanted, but it's a start. A really hard start. Instead of getting on the treadmill yesterday, my husband and me headed out to the spanish missions here in our fair city. It was a gorgeous day, warm, slightly humid and partially cloudy. The sun peeked out of the clouds a few times and smiled upon us. It was so nice to be out walking in nature, looking at buildings that were built in the 18th century. They were the perfect subject for me to photograph. Photography is a passion of mine that I'm slowly wading into. I am not so confident in my abilities sometimes, but others, my work blows me away. Here are some of my favorite shots from the day:

Mission Concepion. We caught the end of Sunday service, complete with a mariachi band.

Feeling good!

Heavenly

Hi!

Hubs walking toward San Jose. Lots and lots of walking here.

My absolute favorite shot of us, ever ever EVER! Self timer rocks!

Mission Espada. Hauntingly beautiful and spiritual.

We walked quite a bit yesterday and were REALLY tired by the end of it all. We skipped out on the fourth mission with plans to return there quite soon. I love replacing my boring treadmill walks with ones outdoors with my sweetie on our days off together. Exercise should be fun, and that it was!

Tomorrow, I'm starting the Weight Watchers Walk It! training plan. More on that then. Have a fabulous rest of your Monday!

All in This Together

2011-03-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

When I decided that I needed to lose weight, I was a 280 pound newlywed who had just married the man of my dreams in the dress of my dreams the year prior. I looked fantastic in my dress, but otherwise, I was not happy. I hated how I felt. I always felt sick, lethargic, heart burn-y, and scared every time my arm or chest hurt. I was in constant fear of having a heart attack because of my weight. I was, after all, closer to 300 pounds than 100. For inspiration, I took to the internet. I'm not sure what the first weight loss blog I found was, but I stumbled across it somehow in October of 2008. After that, I knew I wanted to start one as well. I drew inspiration for my blog name from one of my mom's friends. In 2006, when I returned home from being on the Disney College Program, where I had lost 40 pounds in five months, she said, "Wow! Look at your thighs! You look so thin!" I wanted to get back to a place where I would be considered thin again. As I began blogging, I began to open up to this whole new community of people. First, Tracey @ TJs Test Kitchen, then Kelly @ Happy Texans among others. Then, as fate would have it, I found the Healthy You Challenge, and signed up immediately. Suddenly, I had a lot of friends in this crazy blogging world! A new support system who I could pour my heart out to. They would listen, give me advice, show me support. I started this blog in November 2008 at 280 pounds. If you're doing the math, that means I've lost a whopping 14.6 pounds in the 2+ years I've been blogging. Maybe to you, that is a failure. To me, those 14 pounds are so much more. In two years, I've worked towards getting my mind healthy. I knew that this needed to happen before I could lose weight and keep it off.

I'm very proud to say that I am now actively losing weight. I am now staying accountable with my eating. I am walking/jogging five times a week, I am starting with a strength training program. I know now that this weight loss is not a race to the finish line. I am working hard to make this a lifestyle that I can live with, along with my husband and our future kiddos, for the rest of my time here in this beautiful blessing called life. I've worked past my biggest mental block. I stumbled a bit, but I just kept going. I'm almost in awe of this all. I feel free and happy. My weight is becoming less of a burden because it is going down, down, down. I have a long road ahead of me with weight loss, but I'll be all too happy to keep walking down the path. I may have a BMI that says I'm morbidly obese for a while, I may not even be simply "overweight" for a long time. 145 pounds is my long term goal. There will be road blocks, walls, stop signs, and closures along the way. There will be baby bumps, birthdays, holiday, anniversaries, and celebrations. I can see that this isn't just weight loss; this is life.

I've made a lot of good friends here on this blog, and I hope that we can all keep blogging forever! I could never have done this, gotten to this place of understanding and acceptance, without you all. Thank you for your support and motivation. And to those of you just starting out with your journey, please remember that weight loss is about so much more than pounds. Get your mind in the right place, fight those demons, and feel your feelings, and you'll get there. We're all in this together!

Getting Past Walls

2011-03-29T13:17:00.000-04:00

I've been avoiding this post since Friday. It's been hard to start because I have to admit that I failed just a bit with being on plan for a full month. It's not even that I got off plan. I just broke one of my rules.

For me to write this, I need to go way back to Tuesday of last week. That morning, I woke up with immense pleasure and happiness because of how well I had done with being on plan the previous week. In the rules I had laid out for myself, I was not supposed to weigh in for 4 weeks. Unfortunately, I was just too excited about my success, and my curiosity got the better of me. I got on the scale. The blue glow of the display showed me 266.4 pounds. A 2.4 pound loss for my first week back on plan! To say I was floating on top of the world is a gross understatement. I had put in the work and reaped a really good reward for a job well done. Little did I know, however, how that number on the scale would affect me. I went on with Tuesday and Wednesday as usual, eating a little more than usual, but still tracking, still staying on plan. On Thursday, my husband and I went out to spend the day together. We had a healthy breakfast before leaving the house, and we were content with that for a while. Once we were out of the house for a couple hours, our bellies were starting to talk to us. We needed to get food. My husband asked me where I wanted to go, and I said, "The choice is yours. I'll find a healthy option wherever we go." That, my friends, was my biggest mistake. But I didn't know that just yet. We ended up at a fast food restaurant where I went ahead and ordered a fried chicken sandwich and french fries. I reflected on my decision and decided that this meal would be my splurge for the week. I threw away at least 1/3 of my fries. We hopped back in the car and decided to drive to Ikea, an hour and a half away. We got in a lot of exercise while browsing the place. I mean, Ikea is HUGE and we walked and walked and walked. We have this little ritual when we go there, too. We avoid the big cafeteria with the meatballs and cake and as a treat, we each get a frozen yogurt after checkout. And we did just that. Except in addition, we bought a hazelnut chocolate bar. That thing was HUGE! We shared it during our trek home, and by the time we got here, we were famished yet again and stopped at another fast food place. On auto pilot, I ordered another fried option with fries. We ate, I tracked my points for the day in disappointment, and went to bed.

I was woken up at 5 a.m. that next morning in extreme pain. Nausea had overtaken me and I had to sprint to the bathroom. Everything I had eaten came up, and as I laid back down in bed, I reflected on what had just happened. I've gone into detail about this wall before, but I didn't expect to hit it again quite so hard. I have major issues rooted with 266 pounds. I don't like to blame anyone but me for my weight issues, but this 266 pound wall is a major fault of my mom. If you'd like to read that whole epiphany, you can do so here. Anyway, when I saw 266 on the scale, I guess it affected me more than I thought it would. I can see that it started affecting me right away when I look back at my food trackers on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was snacky both of those days, and went to bed using about 10 weekly points each night. My Thursday free for all really opened my eyes, though. On Friday, I got back on the scale and it said that I was 265.8. So for me, that meant that I hit the wall, picked myself up, and got back on plan. And that's exactly what I did. I'm proud to say that even with my mess up on Thursday, I stayed within my points! I never dipped into my activity points, and I really tightened up my eating for the rest of the week.

I guess the point of this whole post is this: you can get over these walls you put up for yourself. You just have to be willing to put in the tough work needed to do so. I fully believe that now that I am over this wall, I will continue to lose weight. I know there will be other speed bumps along the way. I know I'll struggle some weeks and other weeks this will be cake. I'm so happy that I'm ready and willing to put in the emotional and physical work that comes with losing weight. I'm so ready to be thin and healthy! Bring it on!

Note: I weighed in today at 265.4 lbs. I am putting the scale out of sight. I only want to step on it when I see it. Out of sight, out of mind. I'll be weighing in next on April 12. I'm hoping for a total of at least an 8 pound loss between March 15 and April 12.

Howdy, Y'all!

2011-03-28T15:08:00.002-04:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I truly love the city in which my husband and me live? San Antonio is absolutely fantastic. And it will be... til I see a snake in the grass for the first time! I don't do snakes, y'all. Hate 'em. That's probably the most girly thing about me aside from my love of dresses and shoes. I'm becoming increasingly more worried about coming face to face with one because there are a lot of products reminding me of the possibility. Yesterday, for instance, my husband and I were in Lowe's, looking at ant killers when my eyes came to rest on a bag of snake repellent. SNAKE REPELLENT! I'm officially creeped out. In addition, as you all know, I was with my friend this weekend, and we went to the Riverwalk so we could eat lunch at a great restaurant. After lunching, we walked in and out of tourist shops, and this bright yellow patch caught my eye. I really wish that I could remember exactly what it said, but it was something about a snake and watching out where you walk. I think I'll probably faint if I ever come face to face with one. I can't even go through the snake area at the zoo, and those snakes are BEHIND glass.

Anyway, my friend and I had a great time on Saturday. We walked for a while through the Japanese Tea Gardens and the surrounding park. After that, as I already mentioned, we went to the Riverwalk for lunch. We settled on Joe's Crab Shack. I couldn't decide what to get, so I ended up with crab stuffed shrimp with dirty rice and broccoli. I thought that my choice was pretty good, but I was shocked when I got my plate. The shrimp showed up swimming in butter. I blotted off as much as I could. As far as the rice goes, it tasted like it was previously frozen. Gross. I come from New Orleans, and I've yet to eat a dirty rice that could ever compare to my momma's. I'm going to have to get her recipe and healthify it. I'll definitely share it with you all! Anyway, I pushed the rice to the side and ate my broccoli. It came out steamed plain, no butter, no seasoning. I added a bit of salt and pepper, and it was divine. I estimated that this meal was about 12 points plus. I was proud of my choice, but next time, I'll ask for my shrimp in NO butter. And I'll get double veggies.

I think that my choices are naturally getting better. My mind and even my taste buds are starting to change, starting to crave more wholesome foods. Sometimes I'm shocked by that. I thought that I was going to have to pine for my favorite foods while I was dieting. I never thought that the old stuff I used to eat, white carbs, fried foods, sugary desserts, would be foods that I no longer have much of a taste for. That's not to say that I never splurge. Sometimes I'll eat a white carb. I still love dessert every night. Sometimes a fried hushpuppy or some fries are delicious. The big difference here is that I only eat a little bit of these things. I fill my plate with veggies and let those bad things become the side dish rather than the other way around. I like it that way!

Here are a couple photos from this weekend. The first two photos are kind of crazy to me. I guess my body image changes moment to moment throughout the day. I feel awesome, healthy, curvy, and beautiful sometimes, and completely fat and disgusting others. When I saw the first photo that my friend took, I thought, "Wow, Ash, you look great. You wear your weight well. You don't even look that fat."

I love that photo. It's great! I am starting to see slight changes in my body, and they are for the better.

But then I saw this one...

My arms! Oh my heavens. My arms are so disgusting! This photo definitely opened my eyes. I need to add more strength training to my routine. I need to keep on keepin' on down this path to healthiness and slimness. While I don't love this photo, I will look at it often to keep myself accountable, to remind myself that no matter how good I feel, I need to keep working towards a thinner me because although I feel fabulous, my body still needs a lot of work. I'm okay with that. Here are a couple more photos; I didn't take many.

My friend helped me find the plant my hubby carved our names into

Then I took a photo with it :)


The water lilies bloomed. Gorgeous!

An Old Friend

2011-03-25T15:36:00.000-04:00

Where in the world did the week go? I've been meaning to come back here and blog, but time has really slipped away.

I'm meeting up with a friend from home (Sacramento) tomorrow. She lives in Austin. It's going to be so much fun to see a familiar face. We're staying active by doing a little hiking before having a healthy lunch. I'll be back here on Monday with a blog post that I wanted to post here today. Have a lovely weekend!

Never Give Up

2011-03-22T10:05:00.002-04:00

It's been an entire week since I started my month of being on plan. I'm here at the end of week one, and I am feeling GOOD! So, so good. What is it about being on plan that makes everything feel so wonderful? For me, it's the knowledge that I am making healthy choices and meeting the goals I'd set for myself. I never want to go back to where I was. I never want to not track my food. I love knowing and seeing every bite that I put into my mouth each and every day. The best thing about being on plan is that I haven't felt deprived at all. I've been able to indulge every now and then but on the days where I planned an indulgence, I eat very lightly with more whole foods like fruits and veggies. It really is a no brainer! It hasn't all been easy though. I have had to make conscience decisions to not snack on small, high point value foods such as the chocolate chips that are hanging around in my pantry. I am SO proud of myself for showing self restraint but I know that I'll have to continue to keep the control away from food and it won't always be so easy.

I've totally changed the way I do things now. For instance, my meals are pre-tracked in my Weight Watchers e-tools. All I have to do each day is add in the extras I eat. This is especially helpful for me because I find counting points to get extremely tedious day in and day out. With everything already there, I have a basic guideline for what I'm eating that day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. Another change? I have dessert every night. I'm a dessert lover, and when I tried Weight Watchers before, I tried to cut out the sweet after dinner treat. HUGE mistake. When I feel deprived of food, that's when I want it most. It becomes unbearable and I end up eating way, WAY more than if I had just eaten something each night. The other big change? Instead of eliminating eating out, or limiting it to once a month, we found a nice balance by eating one meal out per week. During this meal, which is always pre-tracked, I get whatever it is I've been wanting. Of course, I eat within reason, trading fries for veggies and leaving off fatty sauces from my meals. This has been such a huge help for me because I'm still eating the things I love, and I can still be on plan while doing it! This week, we're going to a cantina and I'm indulging in shrimp fajitas and flan (shared with my hubby). I estimate the fajitas to be about 28 points, but I'm balancing that out by eating mostly fruits and veggies that day.

I'm so ecstatic to finally have found what works for me! After months and months of struggling to find a balance with Weight Watchers, I can honestly say that I'm finally there. I'm finally on plan and losing weight! What I want to leave you all with today is this: Don't give up. If you want to lose weight, just don't give up. Make small strides each day and continue tweaking your chosen weight loss program until it fits with your lifestyle. These steps will add up to something wonderful one day. I've been actively trying to lose weight since November 2008. I started Weight Watchers in September 2010. Finally, after all this time, am I ready to put in the work to lose this weight. It's been a long time coming, but I know that the little victories, both physically and mentally, that I've had since 2008 has helped me get to this point. Never give up! I never will!

Impromptu Exercise!

2011-03-21T16:16:00.002-04:00

I am absolutely loving San Antonio. This city is like no other I've ever lived in. It is very reminiscent of California, which I adore! Though I was born and raised a bayou baby in the deep south of Louisiana, California just felt RIGHT for me. It felt like where I was supposed to be. After three years of living there, the company my husband works for us threw us a curveball. In 2009, we had to make a decision to either relocate or have him quit and try to find another job. We did the former because the company he works for is pretty amazing! We headed to Florida, but in the almost two years we lived there, we still just barely liked it. The Florida lifestyle was not one in which we enjoyed. The east coast is way too different from the west. We put in a request to transfer yet again a few months ago. It was a long process, but now that we're here, we know without a doubt that this place, this wonderful, historic, outdoorsy place is where we are meant to be!

We haven't done too much exploring yet, but on St. Paddy's Day, we adorned our bodies in green and headed out to the Japanese/Chinese Tea Gardens. We walked through the lovely gardens, and continued to walk. And walk. And walk. We must have walked around the garden and the nearby park for at least three hours. We were both utterly exhausted afterward, but so so happy that we got in all that awesome activity while having a blast together! Oh San Antonio, thank you for being so awesome! Thank you for being the perfect place for my husband and me to finally get healthy!

Here are some photos from the day :)

He's so cute!

The museum that we WILL go back to.

Resting before the long trek back to the car.

Bundle of Joy

2011-03-18T18:26:00.001-04:00

I think that by now, most of you know my main drive behind trying to get healthy and lose weight. Of course, I want to lose weight to feel better, reduce my risk of a plethora of diseases, expand my life span so I can spend a really long time with my sweet husband, and yes, look great in a pair of jeans. My main driving force, though, the thing that has not let me give up yet is that after almost four years of marriage, my husband and me want a sweet baby!

We're ready to start a family, and we have been for a while. We decided a while ago that my birthday (April 8) would be when we would start trying to make a sweet bundle of joy. But the closer the time comes, the more I realize that my body isn't ready. I didn't want to be an obese pregnant lady. I've wasted so much time wanting weight loss instead of DOING it that I'm right on the precipice of our baby makin' date and I'm no where near where I wanted to be weight wise. This fact is quite upsetting. The good that has come from this realization, though, is that I'm now totally committed to this weight loss journey. I'm 100% on plan with Weight Watchers. I talked it over with my husband a few days ago and told him that we should halt our start date until I've lost at least 10% of my body weight.

I want to lose 27 pounds before we even START trying. 241.8 pounds is a teensy bit over 10% of my current weight, 268.8 pounds. I'm not sure when I will hit that landmark weight, I'm not sure how fast my weight will even come off of me. I've never stuck to Weight Watchers, or any weight loss plan, for more than a week. I can speculate and hope and pray that I can lose it fairly quickly (but healthily). Who knows, maybe our start date won't be too long after our original date.

All I know is that I'm ready to get this weight off, and I'm ready to have a child with the amazing man who I've chosen to build a life with, one with love, caring, and understanding as the foundation. I can imagine our life with a snuggly baby in it, and the thought makes me smile. I know that our time will come soon. And we'll be waiting with happy (and healthier) hearts!

A No Good, Rotten, Bad Day

2011-03-15T13:22:00.000-04:00

I'm having a bad day. A no good, rotten, BAD day. It's just one of those days where everything is wrong. Technology is wrong. Life is wrong. My body is wrong. There have been a string of mishaps this morning that has caused me to pretty much short a circuit or two in my brain. I am beyond aggravated. So, when this usually happens, I turn to food. My good, old friend. But not today. I'm done with the emotional eating. I refuse to use food as a crutch any longer. Food can do nothing for me because I just need to feel my feelings and work them out. I've cried a lot, screamed, and possibly maybe punched my printer one or two times before coming here to write this out. The thing is, I can't change the malfunction on my printer with cookies. I can't fix my issue with downloading a program with french fries. I cannot make the puppy that we wanted to adopt that is already spoken for unspoken for with chocolate cake. What I can do is write about it, talk about it, yell about it, and cry about it, then move on. There are so many things in life that are completely and utterly out of my hands. It's dumb of me to try to fix them with food. I hate the feeling of wanting food to dull the pain of my emotions or frustrations. I know what I want out of life, and a printer problem should not be the thing that knocks me off track before I've really had a chance to be ON track. So, food, to you, I say NO. No longer will you have this grasp over me. No longer will you be used in place of friendship, a hug, medicine, etc. All I want out of you is nutrients and energy so that I can continue on my healthy path. I will not be emotionally eating today. I am planning on staying on plan, eating within my points, and doing my strength and cardio workouts this evening. THAT will help me feel better and get over this crappy day. After all, tomorrow is a new day, and I don't want to go into it knowing that the day before, I cheated and failed myself by eating out of want rather than need.

What do you do to combat these "down in the dumps, woe is me, everything is wrong" days? Are you an emotional eater? How do you deal with it during times like this?

A Month of Being on Plan

2011-03-14T13:54:00.002-04:00

So. Hello, first of all. It's been a while. I was going to come here today and tell you about this realization I had but now, I feel like posting something entirely different. I'll still post the entry I had for today, most likely tomorrow or Wednesday.

I was talking to my friend, and she told me how she has lost 20 pounds since starting Weight Watchers on February 1st. She has done this quite simply by staying on plan and working out five days a week. This got me thinking, what if, for one solid month, I did the exact same thing? What if I just ate within my points without freaking out and going off plan? What if I committed to working out just 5 times a week? In a month, could I lose 10, 15, 20 or more pounds? I'm not sure, but I do know that on April 15, I will find out. My goal is to give Weight Watchers a solid chance before I write it off and say it isn't working for me.

The Plan

Food
From March 15 until April 12 (and beyond, I'm betting), I will eat only my daily and weekly points, never my activity points. I will pretrack my meals in my Weight Watchers e-tools, and I will measure and track anything and everything that goes into my mouth, even zero point fruits and veggies.

Activity
5 full workouts per week, including a strength training program and cardio.

Scale
I will take photos, measurements, and my weight tomorrow morning. Throughout the month, I am not allowing myself to get on the scale. The only way I know if I'm losing will be through the way my clothes fit.

Speed Bumps
My birthday falls within this 30 day period. While I think this would be a speed bump any other time, this year, I'm planning for it! We're not bringing cake into this house, so I think all will be okay. My birthday is something else that will be pretracked, including some sort of cocktail and a scrumptious dessert!

To further prevent speed bumps, we will not be keeping any snack foods in our house. I just can't be trusted with them right now.

So that's it. I'm excited to start this little... experiment? I'm glad that I'm finally giving myself a chance to succeed at losing weight, and man oh man, does it feel great!!

Note: I've pretty much been on plan for the past week, y'know, besides eating half of a half of a three pound cinnamon roll with my husband for dinner last night and breakfast this morning. I'm not having the famous "last meal" and I'm not thinking about this as "starting tomorrow." I'm already on plan, and tomorrow just starts a stricter (but not too strict) approach to my diet.

3 lbs of cinnamon roll!

We only got through half and got a terrible stomach ache

San Antonio

2011-03-02T20:40:00.001-05:00

Hi guys! My husband and I made it safely to San Antonio. As soon as we're unpacked and settled, I'll post a few photos or a video of our new house! I can't type too much now, but I just wanted you to know we're here :) Lots to blog about soon (as soon as our Internet is finally connected!!).

We're Moving

2011-02-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

WOW! I've completely lost track of all time over here. We've been SO, so busy. We had a great (and gluttonous) time at Disney and we were sad to say goodbye to it. The resort charged $10/day for Internet, so we went without while we were there. I promise to post my recipe (really, it's a WW recipe) sometime next week. Also, lots of photos and posts to look forward to in the coming weeks.

We move to San Antonio on Monday, and boy am I excited! Just wanted to let you all know why I've been/will be absent for a bit. Catch you all soon! Happy weekend!

I'm Doing Okay!

2011-02-22T08:35:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone! I just wanted to stop in and let you all know that everything is good over my way. I haven't blogged much these last few days because we are in the process of moving! I'm packing and working a TON and when I'm not doing that, we're over at Disney, squeezing in a vacation during this crazy time. We're insane, I know! It's been really challenging with eating, but both my husband and me are taking giant strides to ensure we're eating smaller amounts and making better choices. I'm so proud of us. We've been walking 8-9 miles on the days we go to Disney, and I've been sleeping better and more restfully. I haven't woken up in the night lately at all, and before, I used to wake up once or twice in any given night.

All in all, things are great! I'll be back tomorrow with one of my favorite vegetarian recipes for you guys.

Epcot

2011-02-18T08:27:00.002-05:00

First off, I really want to send out an extremely heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone who has left me a kind comment or email since my last blog post. I cannot get over the support and love that one can get in this blogging community. I've been looking within myself to find the answers that I've been searching for. I know that I am not alone in this struggle. We are all in this together! I'm working on a master plan, short and long term goals, etc. I look forward to sharing it with you all sometime next week. For now until we move, I'm tracking my points when I can and times when I can't, like when we went to Epcot yesterday, I write it all down to stay accountable. We brought grapes and bananas to snack on and all in all, I didn't do too bad! We walked and walked and walked some more yesterday, so much so that my feet and legs are aching today! Anyway, since it is Friday, I'll leave you with a few of my favorite shots from yesterday.

Living with the Land!

Horrible photo, great fun. Test Track.

Fisheye. I kind of love this photo. I was about to eat that banana :)

We met up with an old friend.

Hubs & friend. Hilarious!

He's a nerd :)

LOVE!

Gorgeous sunset over World Showcase.

Goodbye Epcot. We'll miss you! See you in late 2012!

Have a great weekend, friends!

This Is My Plea

2011-02-15T18:05:00.002-05:00

I feel it. This urge to give up. It's right there, it has been, nagging at me, wanting me to give up my healthy living journey. Wanting me to go back to my old ways of not caring. But then there is this other side of me, the side that is producing the tears that are falling out of my eyes right now, the side that wants me to finally lose weight and see progress. I don't know why this has been such a struggle for me. For so long, I've wanted to lose weight. I would lie awake at night, even as a teen, plotting out what I was going to do differently *this* time. It's devastating to me that there have been so MANY *this* times. When is THIS time actually going to be the time? When is my head going to be right? When am I going to stop using food as a crutch? When am I going to acknowledge that I may have a slight addiction to it? When am I going to be able to say "I've lost 20 pounds"? 40, 50, 80, 100? Why do I keep making excuses for my actions? I don't want to be like this forever. I'm ready to be thin and healthy. I'm ready for people to look at me for inspiration and know that if I could do it, they could too. I WANT to be an after story, or even a during story that is seeing consistent results. I know that no program is going to work for me if I don't stick to it 100% of the time. So why can't I do that? Why can't I eat less and move more? Why am I stuck in the 260s? Right now, I have so many more questions than answers. I have so much built up in me that I cannot take it. People lose weight every single day throughout the world. Why can I not be one of those people? I'm pleading. I'm begging. I NEED help. I can't go on another day without putting it out there that I am so far beyond lost on this journey. I don't know how to turn off my hunger, how to exercise and not burn out, how to not be disappointed with myself. Help me. This is my plea.

Moving Woes

2011-02-14T09:28:00.000-05:00

I am sort of freaking out here. In two weeks, my husband and I are hitting the road and moving halfway across the country. In these next two weeks, there will be SO much going on. Our weeks are packed full of activities and work. When life gets hectic, my diet tends to be the first thing to go. I don't want that to happen this time, though. I don't want to be that person who is always trying to lose weight but never does it. Life is not all about food to most people. Unfortunately, I am not in that group. Food is my crutch, and it is really hard to push it aside and stand on my own feet. I've been using food to ease my mind for so long that it has become habit. I noticed this yesterday. We were driving through a busy part of town, running late for a meeting with a friend, and I started crunching on some chips that we had brought to eat with the sandwiches we packed. I was stressed and angry at the traffic, and I NEEDED the crunch of the chips to help relieve that annoyance. Luckily, if nothing else, this blog has help me become so much more aware of my actions and I knew that I was emotionally eating. I had my husband take away the bag and I stopped there. I was completely surprised and proud of myself!

Anyway, that little tangent was all to say this... We'll be out of the house, at Disney World, on the road, etc. I don't know how the heck I'm going to balance eating in the next few weeks. I know that trying to figure out the points of food prepared by others is my biggest challenge. It stresses me to no end, so I will NOT be counting points. That being said, here are my goals for the next several weeks that will at least help me maintain (hopefully lose) my weight:

Write down any and everything that goes into my mouth.
Make better decisions. If I know I'll want a special favorite at Disney for dessert, I won't eat a cheeseburger for lunch. Stay balanced.
Always have water and fruit on hand to munch on.
Remember that even though I won't be counting points, this is not a free for all. This is a challenge that I can be victorious over.
Stay ACTIVE! Besides just cleaning and packing, I need to keep doing extra activity each day!

I am going to write those down and keep them with me. I KNOW that I can get through these next few weeks without a gain. Maybe I can even LOSE!

If you were in my place, would you have the same goals?

Big Red

2011-02-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

While packing up the house for our impending move, I noticed something I'd forgotten about. Right there, on the beige carpet, was a huge red stain. I remember the night said stain was formed. We went to through the Wendy's drive thru and came home with greasy burgers and fries. Because it was late at night, I didn't want the caffeine in a soda to keep me awake all night so I opted for fruit punch. When we got home, we ate, but there my drink sat, on the floor beside me. I didn't really want it. I'm not a fan of red punch. I should have gotten a Sprite instead. Anyway, I somehow knocked over the full drink, and it pooled in a large puddle on the carpet. We tried to sop it up with towels and water, but we basically gave up. And there it has sat for at least a year, if not more. Since we are moving out, I knew that I had to somehow get rid of that offending stain. As I thought about it and researched it, I found that there are many ways that I can go about getting rid of this stain, and I went about trying quite a few with no little or no results. This morning, after lying in bed racking my brain all night trying to figure out how and determined to get that damned stain out of the carpet, I tried another solution. Vinegar and baking soda. How simple! That combo works. Little by little, the stain is lifting from my carpet (which means that we have a shot at getting back the deposit we paid our apartment). I failed at getting out the stain the first few times I tried, but I was so determined. I wanted that stain gone. I wouldn't give up on it because it is imperative that we get back the large deposit we paid. This got me thinking about weight loss. There is no right answer. We have to experiment and find the plan that works for us. For me, baking soda and vinegar is my Weight Watchers. It works, but only little by little. I have to do this in small batches. Every week, a little bit of my weight comes off, even if the scale doesn't budge. It is imperative for me to get my health back. So like I continue working on the stain with vinegar and baking soda, I'll keep losing weight with the program that works for me. I am not going to give up on losing weight because the scale doesn't move. I am DETERMINED to lose weight and be healthy! So to the stain, and to my fat, I say goodbye. I might be with them for a few more days in the case of the stain, or a few more years in the case of my fat, but they are both going to be gone for good. I am determined. And I will win!

I Feel Defeated

2011-02-09T08:00:00.006-05:00

Last night, I told my husband that I wasn't going to count points this week "as an experiment." I told him that I feel as though I've learned a lot about how much and what types of food to eat. Writing that now, I cringe. It is total and complete BULL CRAP. It is glaringly obvious to not only me, but anyone who reads my blog that I've only just started scratching the surface of losing weight and re-learning how to eat. I fight with myself a lot with feelings of wanting to give up on this whole weight loss thing because it is TOO hard. I worked out like crazy last week and I ate within my points yet I still remain at the same damn weight. So was my little experiment idea a bit of rebellion? Maybe disappointment? Frustration? Fear? The answer to all of those questions is a firm and resounding YES. Absolutely. I am so scared to fail at weight loss again. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough or smart enough to do it. I've been racking my brain wondering why, if I was fully on plan, am I still 269 pounds? WHY?? What do I need to do to lose this weight? I've lost a measly 8 pounds in the five months I've been on Weight Watchers. Eight. In five months. I know that a lot of that was my own fault, the result of falling off plan too many times. I get that. I expect to be the same weight or to see a gain in those times. But when I've put my heart, soul, sweat, and tears into it, when I am fully committed to my weight loss program, I expect at least looser fitting clothes. I got nada, and I am beyond pissed off about it. I know that my body isn't supposed to be this big. I am not destined to be this way forever. But why is it so hard? Why won't the weight come off when I put the work in? I haven't lost enough weight to reach a plateau yet. I know that there are many factors at play here, and maybe next week, the scale will show a big loss. But for now, I feel broken and defeated.

Even with those negative feelings, I will not be giving up. I am NOT going to go through with my experiment. I'm going to count every single bite that goes into my mouth. I'm going to work on staying hydrated and fueling my body with more whole foods and less processed ones. I'm going to measure EVERYTHING. I'm going to keep putting in the hard work and patiently wait to see results. The only thing keeping me sane right now, the thing that makes me want to keep striving to achieve my weight loss goals is this... After every good, healthy decision I make food or activity wise, my body is just a little stronger and a little healthier than it was before. That sure does feel good!

February 14th

2011-02-08T12:04:00.000-05:00

Everyone's favorite (or least favorite) holiday is coming up. It's the one where we buy a ton of useless red and pink junk for our significant others, the one where gluttony reigns supreme as we tear into box after box of chocolate filled hearts, shove handfuls of sugary treats into our mouths, and savor the finest wines and filet mignon (or some other kind of fancy food) at an incredibly inflated price at a restaurant that is packed. In my eyes, this holiday is about decadence and materialism, not love and passion as it should be. Instead of doing that whole thing, my husband and I have decided to celebrate a little differently. No pink or red allowed. No store bought cards. No extra money spent on a holiday we both strongly disliked before we were together. In the five years we've been together, we've done Valentine's Day because that's what we were supposed to do. But no more. We are both trying to watch what we eat, and I SO cannot be trusted with so much candy of the chocolate variety in our house. So we are simply not doing it. We'll write each other a sweet note, and then enjoy a nice (fancier than usual) dinner, a candlelit picnic in our living room. Then we'll have dessert and probably chat and reminisce and plan for the future. That's what Valentine's Day should be about. Spending the day with those you love the most.

I cannot wait until it is over and all of the stupid chocolate filled hearts that are out on display in every single store will be gone, gone, GONE!! I really want one, or ten! Why is it that chocolates that come from them are the absolute BEST tasting chocolates? No other holiday candy makes me want it so bad. What is it about Valentine's candy that makes it look so good? Whatever, I'll just continue to ignore them, pretend like they don't exist!

What are you doing for V-day? Do you even like the holiday? Any traditions that you do every year on the day?

A Love Story on Superbowl Sunday

2011-02-06T08:00:00.009-05:00

I think that by now most, if not all, of you know that my husband and I are moving to San Antonio at the end of this month. My emotions today are all over the place about it. I'm completely ecstatic and excited to move on to the next adventure! But then I remember that in leaving this place, I'll be leaving one of my best friends, Diana a.k.a. Scale Junkie. I never could have imagined that we would become more than just two healthy living bloggers getting together every once in a while and talking about our blogs and our diets. I wish that I could pack her, her charming English husband, and their adorable twin pups up in our suitcase and take them with us to the land of BBQ, cowboy hats, and the Alamo! She has helped me in so many ways on my path to becoming a better (and thinner) Ashley. I know that we will remain best friends, and we'll visit each other (and hopefully be roomies at FitBloggin' 2012!) and we'll still talk. I've made a best friend for life, and that means so much to me. I have to say that I am so incredibly thankful for blogging. A lot of you have become so much more than readers to me, but more like friends! And I know that there are many more of you out there who read my blog that I don't know yet. But it is my sincere hope that we can become friends, too! It chokes me up a little to think about all of you. You've all given me hope for the future, that it'll be so, so bright. I see so many bad people on the news and in life, but here in our blogosphere, I see so much genuineness, good natured-ness, support, and love for complete strangers from complete strangers. We are all very lucky!

Another source of my emotions? As most of you already know, my husband and I started our whirlwind romance in Orlando at a little place called Disney World! We met in Animal Kingdom, and we fell in love while hopping between all the parks and resorts during our five month internship there between August 2005 and January 2006. We talked about marriage and where our relationship was headed at the Polynesian Resort in a hammock under the stars, we held hands on the monorail passing through the Contemporary Resort for the first time, we laughed our way through Paris, Germany, and Mexico in a matter of hours at Epcot, and we made out passionately in the backstage areas of MGM (now Hollywood Studios) when he was on his breaks, and we said what we prayed would not be our final goodbye in front of Cinderella's castle (those prayers certainly did come true). Disney World holds an incredibly special place in both of our hearts, and it will be hard to say goodbye to it again. This time, however, I can be happy in the knowledge that Rob and me are saying goodbye to the parks and not to each other like we had to back in January 2006. We are leaving Florida together, holding hands as husband and wife and knowing that when we get where we're going, we'll be there together. We'll hold our memories of Disney then in 2005 and in the last year and a half dear to us. One day, we'll be back. We'll be back with our children. And we'll be able to tell them that this place of magic and happiness is where our loving family started. And then, we're going to have SO MUCH FUN running hand in hand with our beautiful children from ride to ride, telling them the story of how their mom and dad fell into complete and utter love with each other as we go. What a beautiful goal for my husband and me to have!

Mini Chocolate Cupcakes with Raspberry Icing

2011-02-04T11:39:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, my husband and I were perusing the produce section in Super Target, we ran into the bakery section (why must they put them in the same spot?!). Being gluttons for punishment, we looked at all of the baked goods we could not have, pining for them. A package of mini chocolate cupcakes caught my eye. And I obsessed over those cupcakes. I thought I would go back to the store when my husband went back to work to buy and eat them all. But I did not do that. I held off for the longest time, and decided that I could make my own BETTER mini cupcakes. When thinking about the icing, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. My mind went back to last season's Biggest Loser when they had the cupcake challenge. Then I had it! I wanted to make Curtis Stone's raspberry icing! Chocolate and raspberries!! What a no brainer!

These are DIVINE!

Mini Chocolate Cupcakes with Raspberry Icing
Yields 45 mini cupcakes
1 point per cupcake and icing

For the cake:
1 box Reduced Sugar Devil's Food Cake
1 can diet soda
1 egg white

For the icing:
1 cup raspberries
8 oz. 1/3 fat cream cheese, room temp.

For the cake:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Mix together the cake mix, the diet soda, and the egg white.

3. Drop 1 teaspoon into each cupcake mold in your mini cupcake pan. Bake for 12-14 minutes. Let cool.

For the icing:
1. Put 1 cup of raspberries into a blender (I added Splenda at this point, to my taste preference), and puree until smooth.

2. Strain the puree through a fine mesh strainer into a saucepan. Cook in the saucepan for 5-7 minutes over medium heat until mixture reduces slightly.

3. Allow the puree to cool completely. Fold that into the cream cheese. After they were fully mixed together, I added Splenda, to taste. It just wasn't sweet enough for me!

4. Frost the cupcakes (the icing is not very stiff). Enjoy!

Change

2011-02-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

I've never gone where I'm going today with this blog, but it needs to be said. Yesterday, while getting *ahem* amorous with my husband, I started to feel bad about myself. It was fairly light in the room, so I was able to see my body out on display. And what I saw disgusted me. My husband couldn't help but see the discouragement and self hate in my eyes. I ruined what should have been a very sexy time with utter and complete body hate. Now, that's not to say that we didn't try again later and succeed. My husband, while lovingly holding me in his arms, explained to me how much he loved me, how much he loved my body, how sexy he thinks I am. I shed a few tears, but after our chat I regained enough confidence to try again. That annoys me. I should already think that I'm gorgeous and sexy without having anyone else convince me otherwise. Sometimes, I love how I look, and other days I hate it. I think that as human beings, we are all like that. Today, I'm going to try really hard to focus on the positives of how I look and feel. When I think and feel positive, I radiate happiness.

Truth be told, my physical appearance isn't exactly what I want it to be. My jeans are still quite snug on my hips. My stomach still causes my shirts to be ill fitting. My thighs still chafe. I still have a giant double chin. But you guys, I've decided to look past all of that! I'm focusing on the positive...

I'm feeling WAY more energetic all the time
I fall asleep much faster at night and wake up easier in the morning
I CAN DO PUSH UPS! (hellooooo, NSV!)
I LOVE working out now (most days)
In general, I like myself more
My marriage has been better. I don't snap at my husband all the time anymore!
My outlook on life is much, much brighter
I feel STRONG and I KNOW I can reach my goals
I WANT to lose weight and I am DOING it, giving my all every single day

What are the positive things that YOU are working on this week? Do you ever have negative self image intrude upon your relationship? How do you get past it?

February Stats

2011-02-01T09:38:00.001-05:00

Weight: 269

Measurements:

-Bust: 45 inches

-Waist: 46 inches

-Hips: 55 inches

-Thigh: 31 inches

I feel absolutely renewed today. While my last post took a lot out of me, it also gave me more. I know and accept the root of my issues. I know that food has been used to numb those sad, lonely feelings that I've felt for most of my life. Now that I'm aware of this, my hope is that I can get past it and TALK about my feelings rather than stuff them down. Eating food for comfort (and out of boredom) is a habit that will not be easy to break. I'm excited to work on breaking it, though! I'm excited about the month to come. I know I'll be making gigantic strides towards a new, healthier me.

My goal for these new "Stats" posts is to only update once a month with my weight and measurements. I'm tired of focusing on the number on the scale. We all know that the scale has a mind of it's own most of the time. I will continue weighing in weekly, and I'm sure if I have a particularly good or bad one, I'll write about it, but for the most part, I want to keep it monthly. I know that this will help to relieve some of my anxiety.

My goals for each month is to be at least a pound smaller than the month before. I'm not trying to lose weight as fast as possible anymore. I've decided to take the time to learn how to eat properly. I want to teach myself portion control. In April, we will start trying for a baby no matter what my weight is. I know that if I continue on this plan, if I continue working out and eating healthfully and with a purpose, my body will be healthy. It will know when it is safe for me to carry a baby. Just because we start trying in April doesn't mean it'll happen right away anyway. Small steps are going to be the key to my big loss!

Are you starting out February strong? What are your goals this month?

Bleak

2011-01-31T07:44:00.000-05:00

I feel completely hopeless. This journey to a healthy smaller body is so hard. I had no idea how many stops there would be along the way, how many obstacles I'd have to pass. I didn't know the amount of issues I've been stuffing deep into myself with food. For the longest time, food was the only thing that offered me comfort, love, acceptance. No one ever made me feel worthy of their love or their friendship. I was the middle, well behaved child. I rarely got the attention I wanted. My parents were always disciplining my brother and older sister. They were always spoiling my little sister. But I was just right there in the middle. I never did anything extraordinary. I never felt like the favorite child. To my grandma, I was her favorite. You know, until my cousin would come for a visit. Then I was cast aside, left feeling alone and not good enough. I had a tiny handful of friends who I will always be thankful for. But even then, it wasn't until I met my best friend Ben during our first semester of college that I felt a little more comfortable being me. And it wasn't until I met my husband a little over a year after that I felt truly loved, just for being me. My husband has showed me absolute unconditional love and support from the very beginning of our relationship. Now, through blogging, I have found many genuinely awesome individuals with a lot in common with myself who I consider to be good friends. I'm not that lonely little girl anymore. I have people who love and care about me. I'm worthy of health and happiness. It's just that sometimes, wading through the hard things that got me fat in the first place is SO hard. Sometimes, fleetingly, I think that it's not worth it. The work, the emotions, the tears, the pain, none of it is worth it. What I try to remember in those bleak times is that I am worth it. I am worth the best. At this point in my journey, though, it would be harder to go back to my old ways rather than continue to fight. No matter how hard this is or will become, I'm going to fight and WIN.

Even with that knowledge, I still have questions. When am I going to see results? When are clothes going to start looking good on me? When is all of this flab going to go away? I've been working SO hard for two weeks now, and I see no difference in my body. My jeans are still snug, my stomach still pokes out, I still have a double chin. I feel so ugly and disgusting. I've been trying to lose this weight for two years, I've been WANTING to lose weight my whole life, but I've only actually been putting in the work to lose weight for two weeks. I KNOW that this is going to take some time. But I want the results now. I'm trying to break through this 266 pound barrier that I set up, and that is really what got these horrible emotions churned up. I'm not trying to blame my mom or anyone else for my weight issues. I'm overweight because I chose to eat the foods I ate, I chose to be lazy. I dealt with my emotions in an unhealthy way. That was my doing. I just wish that someone could have appreciated my ME-ness much earlier in life. Maybe then, I would have been able to love myself earlier. I do love myself now, and that's what really and truly matters.

I'm lucky to have a husband who will do anything to help me. In this last week, I've opened up with him about a lot of my struggles. He was shocked to hear some of my issues and behaviors, but he's committed to helping me get through them. I feel closer to him than I ever have, and I know that he doesn't judge me. He is the one person that I can honestly say has loved and appreciated me for me from the very beginning, EVER. I will love and appreciate that man forever.

Though this blog entry seems bleak, my outlook today is great! I stepped on the scale and saw a gain. Oh well. I'm going to continue working out and fighting to stay within my points. I know that my body is changing, even if the scale is not. I've decided that a huge stress factor for me is weighing in weekly and not seeing a loss. I hate telling you all about that, so while I will continue to weigh in weekly and track it on e-tools, I've decided to only update my blog with my weight once a month, the first Tuesday of the month, along with my measurements. This should relieve a little bit of pressure and feelings of failure I've been feeling lately. Thank you all for your continued support and love. It means the world to me!

Get a Grip

2011-01-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

I try not to post things on the weekend, especially heavier subject matter, because I know that not a lot of people read, but sometimes I just HAVE to. My feelings and emotions this week have resembled a roller coaster ride. Extremely high ups and really low downs. Today is one of the low down days. My eating has been boderline out of control. I find myself munching on this and snacking on that, eating a bowl of cereal now, and another bowl an hour later. I try really hard to stop myself, but it is HARD. I know that the snacking is purely emotional and not true hunger. I cannot get a grip. Oh man, this is so hard. My one saving grace is that I have not given up on working out. I've logged 21 activity points so far this week, and I still have the rest of today, Sunday, and Monday to get more.

I'm going to try and tighten up and get a freaking grip on myself now.

Thank You

2011-01-28T18:01:00.000-05:00

Today I was talking with my best friend about dreams, hopes, and goals for my life. Growing up, one of my major dreams was to be a writer. I remember in first grade, we were asked to write a story, and my teacher passed out big sheets of paper and freshly sharpened pencils. I distinctly remember writing and writing, asking for more paper and filling up the lines with words. After lunch, I asked my teacher if I could go back inside and finish writing during recess. I'm not sure about the story I formulated, but I remember how amazing it felt for my tiny little hand to move that pencil across paper. I filled up about ten pages. The problem I've always had, though, was coming up with stories. That's probably why when I was in the third grade, I entered the Young Author's Contest with a piece about my first day of kindergarten and all the memories that I had of the day. I was completely shocked and proud when it was announced that I had placed in the contest. I was invited to read my essay out loud at the awards ceremony. I was filled with pride, and my love of writing grew tenfold. Throughout the years, I could write essays about anything, I could write about events that happened to me. The one missing link was that I could never think up a good ficitional story to write. I could never escape into a fantasy that I had made up. I started to feel bad about myself. I felt like my dreams would never come true. But then, in 2007, I found a couple of blogs about weight loss. I became inspired to write my own, and here I am, years later, still typing away! I'm so happy that I was able to find a way to make myself heard, a way to do what I always dreamt of doing. I'm a writer!

I'm quite humbled by the amount of people who visit my blog and read my words. There have been many, many people who have commented on my blog or emailed me that I'm an inspiration to them. To hear that is the ultimate gift. I write from my heart, I am honest about my struggles and my successes and my feelings. Thank you all for reading my blog, for making my dream become a reality. I absolutely love blogging, and you guys, my readers, are the absolute best.

Great Lookout

2011-01-27T08:14:00.000-05:00

A big, huge thank you goes out to all of you who were kind enough to comment on my blog yesterday. It means the world to me to see that so many people care to see me succeed in my journey to health. I threw a little pity party yesterday. I ate a little more than I would have liked and skipped my workout, but I'm being kind to myself about it. Today, though, I'm getting my head back in the game, I'm getting in a workout or two, and I'm going to ensure that I stay hydrated. I'm focusing on me. I'm focusing on blasting through the wall I've set up for myself. I'm not scared anymore. I can be what I want to be. And that person is not the one I am now. The person I want to be cares about herself. She deals with problems as they surface and she doesn't shove them down with food.

My outlook today is good. Very, very good!

P.S. I neglected to mention that I logged 26 activity points last week. Pretty amazing, right? I am continuously proud of the progress I'm making. I mean, I LOVE working out! When did that happen?! I just feel happy and strong after a workout. The high from working hard is far better than the one I used to get from eating.

Stupid Dress

2011-01-26T10:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how to start this post, how to get my thoughts together, how to put into words what I'm thinking.

I guess what I can say is that 266 pounds is my wall. Losing weight is like an obstacle course for me. I start out strong, jogging, hopping through tires, crawling under ropes in the mud. All of this stuff is a challenge, of course, but they are easy enough. I start to lose weight and feel great about my progress. But then I see it looming ahead, the wall. The one I have to climb up and get over. And that's where I give up and back track. Only, I don't back track through the obstacles I went through already, I back track by taking the easy way out and completely giving up. So here I am. I'm at 267 pounds and I just dragged myself through the mud, and now I'm looking at that wall, 266 pounds, looming ahead. And it's laughing at me. It knows that like countless times before, I'm going to give up before really trying. And I just do not want to give up anymore. I want to take on that wall, give it my all, climb up it, go over it, and move on and never look back. I need to progress but I just don't know how to get past this. I'm not sure of the issue surrounding that number. Why can't I get passed it? The only thing I know how to do at this point is eat, try to stuff the old feelings of failure and hate for myself deep, deep down. I've had a lot of ice cream today, grabbing a handful of this and a few pieces of that. This behavior is the starting point of me giving up and turning my back on this yet again. The only thing is that I don't WANT to give up. I don't want to stay at this weight. I NEED to get over this, to go through the rest of this obtacle course that is weight loss. I know that the finish line isn't too far after the wall. At that finish line? Great health, better well being, high self esteem, ample energy, and maybe a kid or 10.

I've been knowing that this weight stall has something to do with my mom. This is the only weight I remember her being. So how does this tie into MY weight? Well, I've always, ALWAYS been heavy. When I became a teenager, I could never find cute clothes, gorgeous ball gowns for dances, nice khaki pants or button up the front white collared shirts. My mom was always trying to make me wear some of the things that were hers. When I couldn't find a cute shirt for a wedding we were attending, she tried to make me to wear something of hers. When I was going to my very first formal school dance with the guy I had a huge crush on and couldn't find a dress in my size, she tried to talk me into wearing this disgusting, outdated dress that she had. That dress, ugh. She's tried to make me wear that dress SO many times. When I was a teen, I was probably 245 pounds, 21 pounds LESS than she was. I knew that her clothes would be much too big on me. But she, and this is what has always upset me, SHE couldn't see that. She made me feel SO fat. I'm not sure if it was a conscience thing on her part or not, but she did this to me. And I think that's why I'm stuck here. She expected me to be this weight, this is what she's always seen me as. And here I am. At her old weight. The worst part? The worst part is that I could probably wear that hideous dress she tried to push upon me so many times, and it would freaking fit. That stupid fucking dress would fit.

It's like I've fulfilled that prophecy that my mom had. But you know what? I'm not doing that anymore. I'm making my own prophecy now. In it, I see a fit and healthy and happy me.

So, maybe now that I've typed through this, I can somehow find peace. Maybe now, I can stop the mindless eating, the self sabotage, maybe I can move past this now. I am not my mom. I am not the 266 pound teenager that she must have seen. I am a happily married, positive, beautiful adult. I do not let the scale dictate who I am. I am strong enough both mentally AND physically to reach my health goals. I'm going to get over that wall this week. I WILL.